Saturday, 29 December 2007

Lisa Love

Title: Blue

And then I made it ten,
Its all in her eyes: they said.
Its december, its a year gone,
Without Lisa, without her love.
Our home isn't home anymore,
My memory fails me slowly.
I wore that dress, it still smells like her,
I must catch up with her.
I need to catch up with her,
Lavender dreams fill my eyes.
Its all gone,
So quickly, so slowly.
How can I forget if I don't want to?
How can I forget if I don't want to?
I stay still, with the sounds of the ocean in my ear,
I breathe and sob and soar and die.
Talk to me, whisper a song,
Don't leave yet.
And then I made it ten,
Its all in her eyes: they said.
Never had (never will have) a love like this,
Its all in her eyes: they said

-29/12/2007

10:32am

Friday, 28 December 2007

Poetry for Thought

Title: ((untitled))

Black fever under my skin,
It rains, purple, green and soft drops.
I cringe and move under the grey sky,
My eyes are still.
I lay under the sinful sky,
He sings, I can hear him sing.
" Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath", he sings.
All I can hear is his voice,
I am dead and all I can hear his voice.
Its peaceful, his voice,
The music, the rain, the death.
The song goes on,
It doesn't stop raining.
Come hold my hand,
Let me love you, remember you for eternity.
The grey sky turns red,
I turn blue.
Don't kiss me yet, I can still see,
Its over, finally, I'm free.
Don't kiss me yet,
I'm fading still, I can still see.
I'm free, its over now,
"Thus with a kiss I die".

- 28 december 2007
2:13pm

Friday, 21 December 2007

then some and poetry

"Your lips upon my lips,
Can you just picture this...
Your finger tips on my finger tips,
Your skin upon my skin...
Would be the Sweetest Sin." (song by Jessica Simpson)

This song has been stuck in my head, maybe not the song, but that paragraph. So here it is, up on blog!

I like being right, and I recently was! So I am high on that!

I love The Gang, I meet them in my dreams too. Pure friendships! No hassles of a boyfriend/girlfriend! We are all just FRIENDS. I like friends. I love friends! I love The Gang!

So, that song, Sweetest Sin, lingers in my mind too much!
Lingers..
Sad..

Its hard when you know you can't get that something you want, but you know what??
I don't care! I can't get it, I know!

But so what?! Sweetest Sin, sounds good in my head!

Title: Linger

Fingers linger through mine,
I can't let go.
Skins merge, thoughts surface,
Two hearts beat as one.
I can't let go,
My hand, my mind.. lingers on.
I can't wait for us to be,
But, we can never be.
Sleep, sleep some more,
I can kiss some more.
Eyes closed and the moon above,
Starry night, and I can't let go.
Soft carress on my skin,
I close my eyes, and breathe.

-21/12/07

I can't write past that as I am experimenting with words. As you may notice i haven't used him/her in this, which is the idea! I can't think today, I will finish it some other day.

Saturday, 15 December 2007

You & Me

Hey you,

Its been a while since I kissed your lips.

I wish I could disappear in your arms, cry and dissolve these sordid emotions.
I want you to hold me forever...this is hard..especially when you don't see me...don't love me...

I tip-toed into Sandman's dreams. And saw us together. In our big house.

You are here, but you are gone..you are gone from my heart.
You locked the doors and lost the keys, didn't you?

Oceans apart, souls apart, dreams apart...will we be together?
You dislike that I care, don't you?

I wish you could see the night sky from my window.
Its purple sometimes.. your favourite colour.

Love,
Me

untitled

While I lay, prepared to fall asleep,
I stared at the ocean in my bedroom wall and the stars in my mind.
I listened to the imaginery wind and music, soft and supple,
The sounds of the ocean, the carress of the wind.

I lay there, still,
Breathing softly.
Maybe if I just stay here, still, unmoving,
Maybe the pain will disappear.
Maybe, just maybe, it will all go away,
The betrayal, the false friends, the lies, the false hopes.
Just maybe, if i just stay still,
Just maybe..

Maybe I will dissapear, slowly,
Drowning into the warm Earth.

Monday, 10 December 2007

words

Speed of lights can be frightening behind closed eyes. Especially when you want to sleep, and can't close your eyes.
And one day, some day, it will slow down. Until then, lets race!

<
>
<

Draw in my soul, I am drained. Come lets find the cafe in the sky...

<
>
<

When the world seems empty, think of me..atleast you will have company in your mind. Imagination isn't that bad. Lets imagine..

<
>
<

Friends make up for the sudden loss of my rainbow. Actually, imagination makes up for it, friends too. I'm stormless, but the real question is, is the stormless-ness here to stay?? When will my rainbow stick to my soul again..?

<
>
<

Lets find the cafe in the sky, Dance, while the sun screams orange in our eyes. The red in your eyes lingers on my skin, The purple on your lips tingles my senses.

<
>
<

I see so much love.. I see so much hate.. More hate, than love.. Come let me love you, And you can hate me..

<
>
<

I don't care, these souls suffice, the thoughts and memories suffice..
You suffice, your interest in these words suffice, though I don't know what you are, could be or were ...your love, your thoughts, your dreams, tangled in mine suffice...

<
>
<

Lets be together. Virtually. We will never have a breakup. Our love will never end. My words, your words, our words, our worlds..let all merge..

<
>
<

Friday, 7 December 2007

Poetry for thought

Title: We

The distance between us grows,
The silence between us screams.
The children between us dance,
And the moments between us fade.
Our bodies move as one,
But our soul doesn't merge.
Our eyes meet and greet,
But our mind doesn't sync.
We talk,
But we say nothing.
We kiss,
But our lips part in 5 seconds.
We smile,
But we don't.
I think its time to say,
We need to talk.

-7/12/07
10:19am

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

List

Things to do after watching a movie (before going to bed):
1] Wonder if life could be that simple.
2] Wonder if life could be that complicated.
3] Ponder over the number of takes in the whole movie.
4] Watch the credits, and remind yourself to remember to download these songs fom Limewire the next day.
5] Imagine how the actors look without make up.
6] Smile at yourself.
7] Watch all the ads. And be amazed at the patience you have in the middle of the night to watch ads.
8] Try not to fall asleep. Even though you have to wake up early the next day.
9] Change channels to find another movie to watch.
10] Yawn.
11] Stick to VH1 for sometime, songs are always entertaining.
12] VH1 classic is not so much fun when sleep tries to take over, so change the channels again.
13] Watch some more ads.
14] Finally switch off the TV.
15] Call your friend to see if he/she's awake.
16] Ask her/him if he/she saw the movie on TV, and discuss it regardless.
17] Then say you are going to bed and hang up.
18] Walk around the house, drink water.
19] Snuggle into bed, stare at the window for a bit.
20] Be motivated to persue acting. Yawn, then fall asleep.

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

List



Things to do on Facebook:
1] Stare at the homepage.
2] Add and delete applications.
3] Change profile picture.
4] Find friends, even though you cannot see their profiles. And then stare at their profile picture and wonder if it is the same person.
5] Poke friends, and sometimes chuck a book at them.
6] Write on walls.
7] Stare at the homepage.
8] Stare at your profile.
9] Log out and log in again after a few minutes.
10] Change status messages and wait for the number of minutes to be calculated.
11] Go through other people pictures, as you have none.
12] Ponder upon how they have so much time to click these pictures, edit them and put them up on FB.
13] Ponder upon leaving the social site, then decide against it.
14] Wonder if there will ever be a community dedicated to you after you die.
15] Yawn while staring at the homepage
16] Check if any friends are online, if they aren't wonder how they wrote on your wall at the same time.
17] Wonder why FB has almost 55 million people.
18] Stare at the homepage, yawn.
19] Use an application, finally.
20] Stare at the homepage, and then log out..

Thursday, 29 November 2007

Jazz Age

During the JAZZ AGE (the period from 1918-1929), many of the songs included the acceptance of homosexuality. One of these had the title "Masculine Women, Feminine Men."
The lyrics are really creative:

Masculine women, Feminine men

Which is the rooster, which is the hen?

It's hard to tell 'em apart today! And, say!

Sister is busy learning to shave,

Brother just loves his permanent wave,

It's hard to tell 'em apart today! Hey, hey!

Girls were girls and boys were boys when I was a tot,

Now we don't know who is who, or even what's what!

Knickers and trousers, baggy and wide,

Nobody knows who's walking inside,

Those masculine women and feminine men!

Monday, 26 November 2007

Poetry for thought

Title: Come

Come, come into my arms,
I'm here aren't I?
Maybe life's too short,
Maybe life's too long.
As long as we sing our songs,
It will keep us alive.
Come, come lets sing,
Come, fade into my soul.
Lets cry together,
Maybe even laugh a bit.
I can feel your pain,
Responsibility is bringing you down.
Don't fall into emptiness,
Fall into my arms, into my body, into my soul.
Don't pretend like it doesn't hurt,
Let me be near you, hold you.
I know you don't need a saviour,
I won't save you, don't throw me out.
Maybe I need you too,
To cry with, pain is inside us.
Maybe I need you,
To laugh with, joy is inside us.
Pale, you look pale,
And I see myself in your eyes.
We are alike, yet unlike,
We are together, yet far apart.
Come, come into my arms,
Fade away in me.
We are one, we have the same song,
We have the same mind.
Lets be together now,
Come, come lets fade away.
The sounds of the ocean I hear,
Memories of when you were so near.
Where were you while you were hurting,
Where were you without me?
Take me with you,
Let me take you with me.
Come, lets fade,
Come, come into my mind, body and soul.
Come, lets search for sand man,
Lets find him.
Come, hold my hand,
Lets free our pain.

-26/11/2007, 6:26pm

Friday, 16 November 2007

Interaction


If there is good and bad, right and wrong and win and loss, how can you have an in between?
And is there an in between?

All the people who step in here, browse through, lets talk about this. Comments would be appreciated, answers welcome!

Monday, 12 November 2007

Ichoo Pichoo

That's by the far the most adorable way to describe a yucky worm!
Every time Su saw one of those at Gokana she would exclaim, "Ichooo Pichooo!!".

I found some peace at Gokarna. Some new friends, some new ideas evolved.

Totally 4 bus rides, almost 6 auto rides, almost 5 hours of walking in 1 and a half days and the rest was just plain laziness!

Wonderful.
Will go back there, soon.

*blink*
"....our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds......."

Thoughts are clearer now...

This holiday was truly a simple pleasure..

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

SMS

To me, from Fatty:

"You had kept your sweater and your shorts in a very funny way..when i entered I thought some kid was lying down on the bed..it was so funny..hahahaha..".

For your information, to understand this, I usually leave my clothes on my bed before I leave home. Which usually happens after my Fatty leaves home, and he is at home before me. We share the room, so he sends me this random sms, as soon as he has entered our room today. It is absolutely funny, that the first thing he did was laugh, then send this to me, without really worrying if I was busy or not.

Also, we have evening classes at our home, and the kids are usually never in any of the rooms (which is because of the "discipline" they have), so he could have been shocked to see a kid in our room, my room. I would never let that happen! So that thought of his surprised-scared-bewildered face makes me giggle some more!!

Simple pleasures! Love them!

-4:29pm

We grew up, maybe

Then, years go by, like the days in another world.
And some still love and others still hate.
But the memories survive,
And we all grew up,
And we all didn't.



"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. "- Anais Nin





"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." -Chili Davis





"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

- Abraham Lincoln



Monday, 5 November 2007

Glimpses


He smiles and I can melt,
A rag doll he is to the world,
Yet his smile lights up this world,
Keep smiling love.

He wants his hair to be set and
His pockets to be full,
No difference between us,
We are both human after all.

Keep smiling love,
And the world will follow,
Someday, some how,
The world will follow!

Saturday, 3 November 2007

Lisa Love

James held my hand as we sat on the park bench. It was silent. No children in the park, no noise. He held my hand and his fingers were tangled up in mine. We spoke in silence. James was heart broken too, Lisa had meant something to him too. He wasn't there when she collapsed. He didn't feel her last breath on his skin. I did and the feeling still lingers.

I mumbled, and his grip got stronger.

"I don't know what death means anymore...where is she now?", I fumbled.

This is the question that sticks to me like glue.

"I can see her, hear her, feel her near me, but she's gone. That does not make sense..", I said.

Warm tears on my face. I cried. I'd been crying for long. Three days to be exact.
James cried too, still holding on to me.
I held out my hand, playing that day over again.

He pulled back, as if to shake me out of it.

"I'm alone now. What do I do....she's gone..", I whispered.

We sat there, crying. Our eyes never met and our hands never parted.
Lisa is gone and that will never change.

Friday, 2 November 2007

question mark

Don't question marks fasinate you??

The curve like a woman's waist...

And the exclamation mark...joyful and livid at once.

Punctuation is romantic in its own way, and what would we do without them??

) ! " ? " . ' , ' : ' ; / ( -

It lights up our pages, pages empty and dull.

And words mean more with an exclamation mark or a question mark or a comma or a full stop.
Gives the words a much needed face lift and curve.

Untitled

Colours seep through the ceiling. Maybe its imaginery, but I see them. So it makes them real to me.

Death consumes the world. And leaves us so shattered that it becomes hard for us to cry. Silence urges us to go on, breathe and stay alive.

Colours everywhere, silence too.

I see you standing near. Watching the ceiling with me.
Won't you stay longer, I think, as you move your feet away.

You say nothing, but your eyes say so much. Your smile lingers on.
Your breath on my ear still fresh. Your words still clear.

Yours Ever..

Monday, 29 October 2007

Music

Last request-Paulo Nutini. That is a song you have to listen to.

It breathes. All music breathes.
But this one, makes you breathe with it.

Words don't come easy now.
I hope you know what this means.
What the sound of the song means. Listen to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFrKBrlZYPY

"Grant this last request,
And just let me hold you,
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time just go there,
Lay down beside me."

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Poetry For Thought

Title: Dreaming

Its November again,
Years go by, days feel lost.
Mechanical chores everyday,
Dreams of your smile every night.
Sorrow gazes through your dreamy eyes,
Are you really gone??
In my dreams you play with the wind and
Dance to the rain, are you still gone??

Lets pick cherries from the sky,
And roses from the sea.
While we swim through our dreams,
And soar above our faith.
The winds brings chocolates and pearls,
Pearls to wish upon and a smile to follow.
Fishes fly and whisper secrets of yesterday,
Lets listen some more, lets be here.

Its just dreams now,
Sleep induced, and memories alive.
It was the hardest pain, losing you,
Not saying everything I want to say, not sharing the silence.
I have to tell you how much I need you,
How much I love you.
So lets keep dreaming,
Sing, dance and talk, and stay alive...

-27 october 2007

Friday, 19 October 2007

Words

I'm the type of girl who'll burst out laughing for something that happened inside my head or centuries ago.
I'm the type of girl who'll cry looking at the sky or the rain.
I'm the type of girl you can love or hate, either way I will still like you or maybe even admire you.
I'm the type of girl you can't stand and would want to strangle at any given instant, but I'm still here, annoying the living daylights out of you.
I'm the type of girl who'll never stop loving you, even if you stop loving me.
I'm the type of girl who will be the only one standing with my arms spread open in the middle of Brigade Road.
I'm the type of girl who will walk on the divider of the road just for the fun of it.
I'm the type of girl who can be fussy and calm at the same time.
I'm the type of girl who loves talking to ramdom and strange people, and I think I like that best about me.
I'm the type of girl who will talk to bartenders even if I'm not drunk and I do end up knowing more about him than he does of me.
I'm the type of girl who can get drunk on air and music alone.
I'm the type of girl who was a fanatic drinker of alchohol and is not anymore.
I'm the type of girl who finds bubbles and colours fasinating.

I'm the type of girl who can be fasinated.
I'm the type of girl we refer to as a romantic, I can find romance in a cigarette.
I'm the type of girl who loves and hates.

I'm pretty much in love with everything and hate it at the same time.
By everything I do mean EVERYTHING.
I've found sudden liking to the way paper feels in my hand.

I'm the girl you can count on to be there for you, even if I hate your guts and would rather bury you as deep as possible.
I'm the type of girl who means it when I say "I will be here for you."
I'm the type of girl who's just plain "bizzare" and I believe weird is a compliment.

Kate and me are bizzare. Are you?

I'm the type of girl who wants to know everything there is to know.
Knowledge is power.
I'm the type of girl who says the above and still refuses to read the newpaper, and relies on word of mouth.
I'm the type of girl who wats to be your friend, be the one you can lean on. So what if you are a stranger?!

"I'm the type of girl who will make sure you know what I'm saying even if I don't.
I'm the type of girl who wants to be in the middle of it all, among people.
I'm the type of girl who wants you to take a journey with me, though you and I both will have no clue about this journey." ((quoting Kate))

I'm the type of girl who wants it all and wants nothing at all.
I'm the type of girl who's contradictory most of the times, but I still make sense.
I'm the type of girl who has been in love 3 times and close to it many times.
I'm the type of girl who likes to make everyone happy, give them that warm-fuzzy-feeling on the inside.
I'm the type of girl who takes friends as family.
I'm the type of girl who can chase people away from me.
I'm the type of girl who can make friends anywhere.

I'm the type of girl who wants to fly, literally, like superman.
I'm the type of girl who can't swim and is afraid of drowning, yet loves the water.

I'm the type of girl who wants to travel the world and meet many more bizzare people.

I'm the type of girl who loves to get lost in the world of books and the world of Shakespeare.
I'm the type of girl who loves you, even though I don't know you.

I'm the type of girl who has a lot to say, but I always forget what I want to say or don't know how to say it.
I'm the type of girl who is forgetfull and yet never forgets. Women never forget!

"There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how" Oasis, Wonderwall

I'm the type of girl who dislikes anything that is incomplete, though there are rare exceptions.

I'm the type of girl who's submerged in the world of music and this is the best sort of drowning.
I'm the type of girl who's soaring in the sky of words and still has nothing to say on certain occasions.
I'm the type of girl who's sentimental and practical.

I'm the type of girl who is very moody. It doesn't really bother me. Though this can spoil your mood, so I try to not show you the colours in my head.

I'm the type of girl who's here, just like you, in pain, with hope in my skin.

I'm the type of girl who's here, trying to give you a glimpse into my world.

Can you see me now??
For the crazy-bizzare-loving-sentimental-talkative girl that I am?

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Poetry For Thought

title: her and me

Slow down,
Its raining still,
Lets dance some more.

She stood, arms spread open,
Her lips swollen with smiles,
Her hair curled up with the drops.

Her eyes screaming,
Her mouth singing,
Her hand in mine.

Lets dance some more,
Lets rejoice some more,
Just for a moment longer.

Just for a lifetime longer,
Lets sway with the wind,
And forget it all.

Her grace echos through,
Her laughter sings on,
The rain washes it all.

Dry those tears,
And dance away that pain,
Just for a moment longer.

Slow down, slow down,
Its raining still,
Lets dance some more.

-16 oct 2007

Monday, 8 October 2007

Realise..

She looked straight into my eyes and said "Abandon that ship!!", metaphorically of course, for I've never been on a ship!

Humour aside, she was right. I had to abandon this ship. I had to abandon everyone on it!

Then I thought, we human beings have the capacity to feel and emote. To build relationships and make them work. Then, like all good things, they come to an end. And somewhere in that emotional brain of ours we know that and secretly prepare ourselves. When the moment presents itself we feel like what George Bernard Shaw says (look over to the left), when your heart is broken and all your boats are burnt, nothing matters anymore. And like he says, peace just doesn't follow this drowned boat, not that easily. There is an extreme sensation of loss at first, then followed by pain and loss, then anger...then maybe peace. I say maybe only beacuse, there could be more emotions between loss and peace, don't you think?! And peace is usually the abandonment and the final acceptance of the situation. It can never be the same. He will never think of you the same, and she will never love you the same. This is peace. Acceptance and onward movement to the future, bright or dull.

What what if he could? And what if she still does love you the same?

What if....??

It just stays in those two words...WHAT IF.....

We all make mistakes and the two good things that come out of a mistake are: experience of the situation and the second one is (this is something like a boon) the realization that it was a mistake. We will try harder now not to make the same mistake, this thought driven mostly because of the realization than the experience. For the realization finally showed you how you hurt the person or the relationship. And you can never let yourself do that again, can you?

And it is now that I realise.......

Friday, 5 October 2007

Poetry For Thought

Title:Focus

Bordering the lines of sanity,
Cruising the skies of haze,
Humming the notes of a plea,
Sliding the sounds of a melody.
Utterly weak and strong,
Helplessly silent,
Hopelessly in love with the world,
Inconsistently moving on.
Free falling through reality,
Savouring every scent,
As if tomorrow is unreal,
Its something close to vitality.
Hold her and kiss her,
With closed eyes hold her still,
At peace behind those tired eyes,
All these words are now, just a blur.

- 5 oct 2007
5:29pm

Friday, 28 September 2007

Word-less days

Yesterday was a boring day. Nothing seems to fill up this void.

I hate being still, there has to be some form of thought or activity happening with me.
I keep telling myself that next month, I will go and enroll myself into the all famous Salsa classes, and I will religiously dance! But that next month hasn't come around the corner. I think I will wait until they add the 13th month-Next Month. ((nods proudly))

Then I tell myself "No! First I have to read those books that are dying in my shelf!", and on some good days I go home and actually read. Then it gradually slows down and back to square one! I'm not lazy, let me make that clear. Its just I don't have that mind set at the moment to read. When you read, those words, those emotions should become a part of you, otherwise its just bad reading. And I'm not one of those! I still remember Enid Blyton's books, I remember the story and the vivid pictures my mind had formed, I can still hear her words in my head. That is good reading! When you can never forget, even if you forget the names of the characters, and the chapter wise explanations, you will always remember the pictures you formed.

So, these are 2 plans that have completely failed! Disgrace!

When the world you come to know falls apart, you try to rebuild it, first from your individual self. Then with the people around. And I am trying to control, manipulate this tiny little heart of mine. And the above 2 disastrous ideas are a way to distract myself! But its not working so, I'm left with counseling myself into better days.

And blogging!

And a thousand attempts a day to form a perfect blend to let you, the reader, and me, the writer, FEEL the story in my words. Form pictures, imagine the colours of my days and nights. The same words that define me and everything I feel, but words don't come easily. And my endeavour in writing helps me in filling the voids. But its hard when the words can't explain. Writing has become hard, expression has become hard. Every word counts and my words fail me!


So everyday is another burden. *sigh*

Poetry for Thought

Title: 'If only you were'

"If my arms could reach out to you,
I'd never have to wait to be with you.
If we weren't strangers,
We would melodically combine.
If you knew that I am torn,
You could understand why I need comfort.

If I was there, and you were near,
We would remain in love.
If you were real, you would hold me,
And whisper "I love you. Its all going to be alright."
As if to declare that
Love is all we need.

I would wait for eternity,
To nestle into your arms.
To feel no pain, to feel like this is
the moment I can die happy, for I am loved by you.
If only we weren't strangers,
If only you were real."

-28th September 2007

Tip: Distraction is good...when there is something to be distracted with.

Yesterday was a boring day. Usual traffic and empytiness.
I finally decied that it was time to go home, sat myself comfortably in a autoickshaw, and watched the world go by.
As I waited for the red to go green at the signal, a little girl came up to me, with those colourful & cheap earbuds. Atleast they aren't begging and selling things that shouldn't be sold.
I smiled and nodded to her, indicating that I did not want to buy.

She didn't tug at my leg, she didn't go on whining, like most others, she just lay her fragile head on the seat, with her hand held out with a packet of earbuds. She didn't do anything but that, just stayed there. I couldn't help but smile, and pulled out a nice shiny 5 Rupee coin and touched her head to get her attention. She looked up, took the money from my hand and handed out the packet to me, I still nodded and said no, while gesturing that she should keep the money. She frowned at me, and forced me for 2 seconds, then just out of anger and pride threw it on my lap and walked away. A few mins of joy at that signal, and I couldn't help cry and smile at the same time.

Patience is a virtue.

Tip: Next time you want something, just stay there and fight until you get it. It isn't hard.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

blue angel


Silver slippers in hand,
Her feet bare,
Hair tangled,
And her heart in her head.

She smiles, tears overflow,
Dreamy skies swirl in the air,
Dark stars twinkle,
Her blue dress dancing with the wind.

Her weary eyes made to mesmerize,
Her soft, pink lips to kiss,
Her graceful body to enslave,
Her delicate skin, pale white.

"Blue angel," they call her,
Her tears saved the sea,
Her love saved the world,
And her purity inspires.

((Following is by kold koffee. click on her blog while you are here "Cropped and Frozen".
Thank you darling for completing it.. i love it....)) :*

'blue angel' they call her
she lies on the slippery white sand
staring at the bright night sky
wishing on the stars above.

she is a happy soul when
her grey cells flex and stretch
she is happier when her thoughts translate on paper
and happiest when they are, as is.

u are a breath of fresh air!
- Kold Koffee

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

You & Me

Hey you,

Do you sleep anymore? Can you?
I can't..

Sleepless nights, with dreams of you and colourless skies.

I danced in the rain last night, I wish you were there, to see how the sky laughed at my lack of rhythm! I slow danced with a hundred drops at a time, and kissed the sky goodbye, and stumbled into sleep.

I miss your hugs and our synchronised cravings for a cigarette...

I miss that you don't dry my wet hair after a bath..

I wish you would just lie beside me,
while I nest my head into your body and fall asleep for eternity.
While you wispher an anecdote or two,
and I can smile in my sleep and fall even more in love with you.

I wish you could see the night sky from my window.
Its purple sometimes.. your favourite colour.

Love,
Me

Monday, 24 September 2007

Lisa Love

"Does she breath?
I feel her breath on my skin,
Am I dreaming??
Lisa, she's gone,
A fire that was red, is blue,
The sky that was blue is red.
A soul of such passion and grace is gone,
I can feel her breath on my skin,
Her lavender scent is still fresh."

These are the moments that define us, when all hope seems to have disappeared, and nothing but emptiness remains. These moments test us, our endurity, our faith.
When death conquers our world, we see everything from under the blanket of sorrow.
This Sorrow wraps us in her warm, comforting arms, and never lets us go.

Death has won over Lisa. She will never see the sky again, or the bright moon.

Sorrow will slowly vanish, and only be virtual. But the sorrow from caused by Death, will never leave. Every day, every hour, it will haunt you. Every scent, every colour will search your mind for a memory, which can never be again. A memory which can never be tangible again. Even memories of happiness will never make you laugh with joy again, but only smile in sorrow.

"Lisa love, you are gone now,
And every moment is harder than the before."

And then, years will go by, sometimes with clousure, sometimes not.
Yet, the sorrow will stay. Maybe over the years we will cherish the memories, and convince ourselves that the deceased would want you to be happy.

And we forget and forgive (Maybe), and smile with the wind and dance in the rain.

And wait, wait to be with her again.

"Sorrow consumes me, my love,
But the thought of you comforts my soul.
I can always have your near,
Always love you, even after the graves disappear.
Maybe I can't see you my love,
But the memories keep you alive.
It won't be long, my blue eyed Lisa,
I will be closer, and lose myself all over again in your eyes."

"Days go by and still I think about you...."

((23rd September 2007))

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

Poetry For Thought

Cascade No 3

I dream of colours,
Black, blue and yellow,
Of love, hope and life.

Black love surges through,
Suffocating the life in me, yet,
I dream of colours.

Tears stream down,
Staining my skin in
Black, blue and yellow.

Dreams end and begin,
And bring the spirit
Of love, hope and life.

-19 September 2007

The above form of poetry is called "Cascade". I have been trying my luck with this style, yet to master it.

As you can notice, the first paragraph is the spine of the poem. As a rule, the 1st line must be the last line of the 2nd paragraph, 2nd line as the last line of the 3rd paragraph and the 3rd line as the last line of the 4th paragraph. The number of paragraphs solely depend on the number of lines in the 1st paragraph.

Monday, 17 September 2007

Poetry For Thought

Destined Dreams

Souls collide, into me,
Dreams survive, and try to breathe.
Words seem to form an escape,
Today, words fail me, fail to be my journey.
A cascade of emotions I feel,
No reason or rhyme makes it unreal.
I can never be Shakespeare, but I try as hard,
For these words to explain, the hurt and pain.
Maybe you'll never see, me,
My joy, hurt and the tears.
I may sound like a child,
Immature and unreasonable
But I don't care, for you are not perfect too,
For you have the thoughts of a mere worm, on the floor of the pond.
I have survived, and watched things fall apart,
I have walked, cried, died alone.
I never wanted you to be in that world,
Its lonely, its dark and its violent.
I tried, my love, to keep you safe,
Maybe I had no right, maybe its easier to learn on your own.
I let go, so that you can fall, crawl and then stand,
But you let go too..its all over now.
But its the thought that counts,
I cared, and I made it clear.
You said you cared,
But I question the existence of that very emotion in your soul.
Love? Do you? Do you know its meaning?
Nay! Nay! Thy soul know'st not of such deep emotion.
So you ask, if I do? Maybe not, maybe I do,
But, I love and always will, and someday reach its perfection.
You have never known its meaning,
Its hate and love at the same time.
You will learn of it, some day,
And it will remind of things unsaid, and thoughts erased.
Destiny, is what it is,
It will creep up on you.....

-17th September 2007

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Strawberries


There were never strawberries
like the ones we had
that sultry afternoonsitting on the step
of the open french windowfacing each other
your knees held in mine
the blue plates in our laps
the strawberries glistening
in the hot sunlight
we dipped them in sugar
looking at each other
not hurrying the feast
for one to come
the empty plates laid on the stone together
with the two forks crossed
and I bent towards you


sweet in that air
in my arms
abandoned like a child
from your eager mouth
the taste of strawberries
in my memory
lean back again
let me love you
let the sun beaton our forgetfulness
one hour of all
the heat intense
and summer lightning
on the Kilpatrick hills
let the storm wash the plates

-by Edwin Morgan

Friday, 7 September 2007

"Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end......."

Truth?
Or is it coincidence?

When we do analyze each mishap in your life, it does seem true, doesn't it?
Like when your cat died, or your best friend's famiy suddenly decided that he/she have to change schools......all good things come to an end. The new pet will never make you feel like the cat that died, and new friends will never make up for the best friend who you called your sibling.

Yes, optimism, newer better things happen in life, but all good things come to an end.
I guess its better to live life that way, when you can be prepared for it to end. Else heart break will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

When I review what I've just written..hmm....it doesn't make sense....but so does life...!! Atleast at the very moment, I'd rather be a vegetable...

"O God, I have an ill-divining soul!
Methinks I see thee, now thou art so low,
As one dead in the bottom of a tomb.
Either my eyesight fails, or thou lookest pale." Romeo & Juliet, Will Shakeapeare

I feel like someone or something is haunting my very soul.....
Lonesome dreams...
And September is here...to add to all the noise and misery in my life...
I hate September...fills my mind with nightmares...dreams of sad happenings...which usually come true..

"Wake me up when September ends..."

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Tears


There are some people who just have the right words for unexplicable feelings.

And some others who can't seem to make up their mind.

Some others who seem to make you cy.

Some others who can't seem to wipe that smirk off your face.

Some more, who just sit there, and watch you, watch them...



"She cries. Neverending tears. Sobs in between. Tries to see through the haze. Yet, its so unclear and.....and.....its getting harder and harder to see."


Poetry is having a stop/start flow to it.


"She dreams, dreams of days unseen, and days already lived."


Why can't you see what I see?! Why does it have to be this hard?!


"She breathes, her bosom heavy with fear, hatred, love, joy, words and lies....and unseen hurt.... The blue sky breaks into a dreamy sea of black. And the blue moon is all that remains. The blue moon dreams, are all that remain."


Its all over isn't it?! Such a shame don't you think?


"She can't live...she can't die.............and everyday, the mirrior cracks.....slowly it'll shatter too....yet she holds on......"


Just let go love... let go..........


"She will soon...like the phoenix, she will arise from the dead..."

Saturday, 1 September 2007

Without You




Discovering really nice bands on the internet.

BADFINGER.
They are the ones who originally perfomed the song "I can't live if living is without you", covered by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston. That heart wrenching song...

Badfinger called it "Without you".


BADFINGER - Without you

Well, I can't forget this evening

And your face when you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way the story goes

You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows

Yes, it shows


Well, I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrowI had you there, but then I let you go

And now it's only fair that I should let you know

What you should know


CHORUS:

I can't live, if living is without youI can't live, I can't give anymore

I can't live, if living is without youI can't live, I can't give anymore

Well, I can't forget this eveningAnd your face when you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way the story goes

You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows

Yes, it shows


[guitar solo]


CHORUS 3 times


I can't live, if living is without you.


The song is truly heart wrenching.....soft, warm tears on my right cheek.....

Friday, 24 August 2007

No Answers

That phone call, one phone call, makes me rethink it all.

What I planned to do in a few days, has already been done, by someone I care about.

Do I still want to do it?! I don't see what has been done to be a mistake. Though I must hate him for it....maybe its because I see and feel what he went through, going through.

The question remains, will I go through with it???

Maybe not, for I don't want to. Yet, the urge is unbearable.

Everything has crumbled down...but I feel at peace, hurt, but at peace.

"Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace"-Sail Away, David Gray

You can't make this easier on me.
Maybe its "software overload"...
Maybe its the lies...the betrayal...and the end..
Maybe its nothing, and I'm just "making myself miserable"...
Or maybe...maybe.....its the pain I going through for the life I tried giving, more than living...
Or maybe I'm just dazed, and these words are part of a dream........

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Silence.....


"Peace is found within one's silence, whereby all has existence. All fear, regret, pain and grief disappears. All is perfect and complete....."

Its awfully quiet today. The only thing that made me smile is a phone call.
I'm not upset, or am I just saying that to myself... So many different shades of life I see. So many dreams, so many people. Lies. The truth. Betrayal. Arguments. Bitter. Sweet. So many words to say, yet words fail me.

I miss writing, creatively. I can feel so useless among writers. The empathy in my words have vanished. Old friends break my heart. New ones are so far away.

I might travel soon. Something I hope happens. I hope it does. It will be a much needed break and fun!

It is awfully quiet today.
This silence will never end, will it?!

"Who have you been talking to, about your life?", she asked.
No one, the wind maybe...

Tears don't seem to want to leave the protection of these tired eyes.
Ah, what the hell, c'est la vie...

It is awfully quiet today.
Tomorrow is another day, another query, another doubt, another dream.
I guess that's the reason why I wake up everyday, for the mystery of it all...the spontaneity of it all, that's what gets me out of bed everyday...the mystery of it all..
It is awfully quiet today....maybe tomorrow's mystery will be something better...

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Thoughts


Lets hold hands tonight,
And share the dreams.
Lets smile and laugh,
And keep the dreams alive.
The darkness unfolds into inspiration,
And daylight into reality.
What we are not,
Is what we are.

Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Lisa Love

She lay there, cold, pale and dead. My hand in hers, and tears stream down. The room seems more colourful, and dream like. No one there, no friends, no family. The phone is close by, I must call someone. I can't move, can't breathe, can't stop the tears. Tears. Lisa, is dead. Tears. Lisa, is gone. I must call someone. Anyone. I couldn't move. She looked more beautiful than ever, pale, but beautiful. Content. Maybe even smiling. I lay beside her, still hand in hand. Breathing on her face, tears remain. Lisa. My love, is gone. Never to wake from this sleep.

James walked in, stood at the door, and fell to his knees. I watch him fall, so helpless, so painful. Tears. They didn't stop. I closed my eyes, tears filled, and I breathe her scent. She smelt like lavender. Tears. I held her hand tighter. And hoped it hurt her enough to wake her, gasping for air. She didn't. Tears. All over. Like a bleeding wound. Tears.

Suddenly, there were people. More tears. I opened my eyes, all our friends, family were watching. I stayed there, more tears now. He touched my face, and wiped them away.
"James...", I fumbled, never could complete that sentence. Tears. Tears. Tears. I slipped into a trance, her scent, her voice, her skin, her. Eyes closed, hand in hers.

Helpless, weak and tears are all that remain...

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Loud Saturday!

Saturday was a fun and eventful day!
The auto ride was exceptionally the best thing that ever happened to the driver, for us it was normal.

He made the slight mistake of switching on the radio. I convinced him to switch to the best on radio, 91.9 FM, only English, all the time. Though, the song then was not our favourite, it was easy to sing, and loudly!

Music shifted to Hindi! Old is gold, "Mehaboobha, mehaboobha, ooooooooooo"!
The fact that the song was older than us didn't stop us from singing it as loud as possible! Yes, there were people staring at us, and trying to figure out if the auto had began this journey from Nimhans!

After we got off at our favourite destination, Java City, I thanked the driver, who grinned and said "Nahi madam, thank you!"

We walked into JC, dancing, with Vi wondering what did we smoke!
Music, coffee and Potter mayhem, ended the Saturday!
:) Music is gooooood!

Saturday, 14 July 2007

HiNt

Let me give you a hint of what happened yesterday.
Three people, one bike, one place-Hint.
The most unusual point here is---three people. Not more. Hitting a club.
We planned it, and never really decided upon more people. Strange.

So we entered the place, being on the guest list, a tiny smile clearly establishing that!!
So RU-by and D walked in, and I was busy making conversation with the staff at the door.
Cool, people from my tribe!

The bar stool is my favorite place to be at any bar or club or anything. Easier to get the drinks, easier to pay for them and easier to watch dressed people walk by!! And so we ended up there! With our drinks, and our smiles.

Party. Party people. Someone's birthday. Someone drunk. Someone fighting. Someone with a bad hair cut. Someone who seemed to be smiling all the time and someone who was shit bored!!!

A fun time! And I even fell twice!! I mean literally, my ass on the floor type of a fall!!!! TWICE!
To top it all off, I ran up the five floors and ran down as well, as I left my very dirty Red Bag!

Stayed back at RU-by's new, uncleaned and wonderful house! He had to drop D back, after which, we drank, finished the stock we had.......
There...the night was done. The room mate who doesn't drink or smoke sat with us, and I think I freaked him out!!!

There was a massage or two and a small session of meditation as well! to top it all off, vomit!
Both of us did! Slept, woke up with no clear memory, and raced home!

A night to remember! LOL! :)
Thanks RU-by!!! MUAH!

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

UpDaTe

On Sunday, Poppy and me were the only ones at Shar Bear's sister's wedding. My Girl Genius couldn't make it. Anyway, I have no idea how the time went by, for first time I wasn't bored at a wedding. It was fun!
My my how much we ate! Even after we left the wedding and ended up at my Girl Genius' house, we just attacked the food there and then attacked the all famous Pizza at JC! It was the attack of the hungry girls! Fun day! Maybe it was the weather! One never knows!

Its been four days since Baby Blue left. And I seem to be missing her, and thinking of her.

I met Lu ((I need to come up with a nick name for her!)) after a really long time! Great conversation! Knowing her strength, I know she'll get through this!


Yes! I know what you are thinking. I have too many female friends! But the boys exist too! ((Grinning!))

RU-by is sick. He has fever. And finally found the perfect house! So he's busy moving in!

Ok. I don't have any other boys to talk about now, but I do have male friends! ((humph! hands folded!))

Yesterday was the day my Girl Genius was born 17 years ago! happy birthday again darlin'!
I was invited for their family dinner, and it was fun!
The best part was she never got to drink, when I was sitting right there with MY glass of chilled beer! ((smilie with its tongue out!))
It felt nice to be sitting there, listening to every sound of a family dinner!
Oh! How I miss it!

Oh well, today is a new day. And I feel sick, yet have some energy left from yesterday!

Radio is blaring with calming songs, and I got a whole bunch of mails to send out, so I'm off...........!!! ((Chaaaaaarrrrrggggeeeeee!!!!!))

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Moving on

Tip of the day: You should not allow your girl / boyfriend to take you for granted.

So, yesterday, the much anticipated 'date' was cancelled.
The friendly cyber 'astro speak' says something I needed a year back. Tip is made note of, for present and future reference.

Anyway, life goes on. People move on. Dreams build and fall.
*sigh* Work life is getting to me. I have begun disliking the search engine. I've been on that site for a long time now. Though I'm sick of it, that's the only online search engine I trust, like many.

I need to start getting things together.
Plan. Execute. Dream. Live.

Friends seem so distant suddenly. Routines are broken. Like I said people move on.
I have no complaints. But, I don't want to wake up in a hospital all alone...

Loneliness is a good friend. It is always there, even when on most days I don't need it.

Its hard. Life.
Wow.
Look at me, a child, saying such big words! But, I am stating the fact. Even for a child it is hard, so imagine 10 yrs from now. *sigh*

I have lost weight. Too much.
Walked into the college I studied in, and that was one of the comment I heard from every teacher I met. "You were already on the slimmer side, why have you gone down so much?"

One of my friends used to (always) tell me that, in my case, my body reacted to the state of my mind. I don't know if that true or not, but it did happen. Every time I was on an emotional roller coaster, my body would get sick. Every time. It surprised me sometimes. But the depression somehow forced my body to be weak and tired.

Anyway, life is hard. Decision making is hard, and life has too many intances when the choices we make shape the people we become. And when the one person who you trusted leaves and then decides to come back, apologise, say all the right things, it gets harder.

Moving on. The search engine has begun to miss me. I'll leave you with this question: What would you have done, if in my place, in my life?!

Monday, 18 June 2007

Under The Blanket Of Haze


Its that time of the year again, when dreams remain and future seems blurry.
Why can't there be answers to these unwanted questions?!

I've run out of reasons to be content, happy. Practicality sinks in. Philosophy surges through.

Is it just me or is it the haze I'm under, forcing me to see bitterness in the world?!


*sigh*


Past relationships are here, to stay or leave, I know not!
A cyberspace astro speak:
"Tip of the day: Enjoy the evening in a candlelight dinner with your beloved to make a soothing beginning."
Coincidence?! I am meeting the ghost from the past, today.
I will take the tip, of enjoying it.
But, the matters of decision making will be on hold, for a long time.

Trust, faith, love, lust and everything else has to be carefully planned.
It is hard and confusing. Lets put aside how the decision will affect me for a moment, but I know how it will affect the ONLY people who stood by me, cradled me. And considering that, it makes it even harder.

*sigh* The jouney, life takes us on........

I am stronger now, and the famous saying slips into my head:
"You fooled me once, shame on you. You fooled me twice, shame on me."

Being fooled once was hard enough......
18-06-07

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Quotes.....



"How sad it is! I shall grow old, and horrid, and dreadful. But this picture will remain always young. It will never be older than this particular day of June. . . . If it was only the other way! If it was I who were to be always young, and the picture that were to grow old! For this--for this--I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the whole world I would not give! I would give my soul for that!"
--Oscar Wilde

"They do not love that do not show their love.The course of true love never did run smooth.Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love."
-- William Shakespeare

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-St. Augustine

"One half of me is yours, the other half yours-Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,And so all yours!"
-- William Shakespeare

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman

"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love."
-Henry Ward Beecher

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Crowley

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
-Stendhal
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
-Thoreau
"You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."
-unknown
"Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."
-unknown
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
-Saint-Exupery
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life."
-Joseph Conrad
"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochefoucauld

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
-Alexander Smith
"When we are in love we often doubt that which we most believe."
-La Rochefoucauld
"Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton
"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not."
-La Rochefoucauld
"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia
"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
-Dr. Karl Menninger

"Blushing is the color of virtue."
-Diogenes

Saturday, 9 June 2007

More is Never Enough


UNIVERSAL TRUTH:
We are always hurt by the things unsaid & undone...and when we do say it, it makes us happier and free....

All those emotions are back.
An endless love story is consuming my thoughts.
Is it real or a mirage in the desert?
I died, and woke up again, stronger, and now, the cause of death is here again!
And I always said that, the love between us was something out of the great epics, a love from Shakespeare's words.
"Its like a cup filled with liquid, and that liquid being love, which I kept pouring, and the cup overflowed and I still didn't stop. A love that was of the painful kind, more is never enough!"

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Is it real?!

The birthday ended with a good+bad+surprising+unusual phone call.
Forcefully, intentionally hidden memories are back. Feelings are back. The words "i love you" are here. Remorse and joy are here now.

The time has come, the time has come to make the choice of a lifetime. To relive moments of bliss. The thought seems beautiful, but do I want it?!

I do. I've missed it. Craved for it. WANTED it.
I don't. The pain is too much to ignore and move on. Second chances are over. Too many have been issued. They aren't tickets to cheap plays anymore. I have goals set, dreams to chase, learnt to live without these emotions.

I've changed too much. Changing, as we speak. Altering perceptions, altering dreams.
I cant let it come back. I've worked too hard to get to where I am.
Too many nights of tears, too many drunken escapades into memory lane.
It has taken me so long to get here, this state of confidence and poise and stability.

Too many thoughts have found their way back.
I refuse to be hurt again and again and again.
Too many people have trampled all over me. I can't let it happen again!
I am assured it won't, but memories return.

Yet, I want it, I've always wanted it!
Its still hard to believe this, this situation.
Is it real?
Did I talk to the person I've been trying to forget?!
It is a pleasant surprise though.
I'm glad that we are talking now.

Every memory, every word seems fresh and new!

All I can hope for is a happy ending, unlike the last time.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Birthday, WHAT?!

Birthday jitters are not here!

I really miss it.
I've come to a point when I actually want to fast forward to the days after my birthday.

F#$% !! I hate everything at the moment.

I want to leave Bangalore for this birthday.
Not the city, but the things in the city.
Not the dreams here, but the reality.
Not the memories, but the pain.
Not the kisses, but the wounds.
Not the whispers, but the screams.

I want to fall asleep and never wake again.
Cassius, is who I'd like to be on this birthday!

Tears in Heaven


Its June already.
Time goes by........will it ever stop?! Obviously not!

She's gone. I can't believe it. The cheap thrills of being a young adult, leads to death sometimes.
Everything seems unfair, not just to me, to everyone. I'm being unfair too, I guess this is a sign that I'm letting go.

Her face doesn't seem to fade. I can also picture her walking in to the place where I am, and stopping to talk to me even if she's busy. She always had a way of finding me! I always wondered how she spotted me among so many bodies.....but she did, always did.

I haven't cried yet, mourned yet. Work's kept me busy. Distracted.

26th May. 5:00 am. On the road. She's gone, every memory, ever smell, every touch, all gone, in a second, all gone......

I miss you, even though we weren't best of friends, I will miss you.
Take care my friend, I will see you on the other side.

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven " Eric Clapton

Thursday, 24 May 2007

4 Long Years

The story that is....
The complete version. Still don't have an ending!


"She called him today. What a rush it was! No matter how angry she was, his voice just didn't let her express the animosity in her emotions. He was her man. The perfect man. Or so she convinced herself. For almost 4 years. That's how long she knew him. 4 long years. This phone call was not appreciated by her loving friends. So it was done in secrecy. But it didn't remain thus for long. Her lips swollen with smiles, were the first give away. Her cheeks extra pink, summer wasn't just the reason anymore. Friends weren't so angry anymore. Maybe they saw joy on her face after so long. Yes it had been long since she had smiled, smiled whole heartedly.

The call was made without a second thought in her head, but the reason still remained under cover. Why did she call him?? Why would she? Does she still feel for him like she used to? No. Those feelings had passed. Forcefully discarded. As he doesn't/didn't feel the same. After all the "walk-outs" she had gone through, his wouldn't make a difference. If he doesn't feel for her now, it wouldn't make any difference. Yes. She thought so. She blocked the truth-which is, she will break down if he walks away from her. Another man, who doesn't remotely feel anything for this girl, will walk out of her life. Big deal. It has happened before. But if it happens with him, with him, of all the men((and women)), with him, she will break down. Everyone knew it. And everyone tried to convince her to let him go. She had slowly began the process. But this call changed it all. But the emotions were weaker now, not as strong as before. She had seen life, to an extent, so she taught herself to be CAREFUL. Finally. She had to be careful, for her sake. His voice was still soothing. Still made her feel protected. His humour still made her laugh. Even though she was disappointed in him, angry, she was calm.

He was still the man of her dreams. But she decided to let him pursue her. This, time when he meets her, she decided to be a friend, and let him fall for her. It was a safe plan. Being selfish pays off sometimes. If he's not interested, she doesn't lose anything. She will walk away stronger. Less drained of efforts. And with sweet memories.

My oh my, how she lied to herself! The meeting is 2 months away. Her emotions are raging now.
She just wasted her time with these unnecessary plans. It was merely, a distraction. A distraction from the truth. Her days will be filled with his thoughts until she lays her eyes on him. Until then these fake plans will keep her company."


"If it wasn't the oceans,
wasn't the breezes,
wasn't the white sands,
I might not be needed,

If I could sleep through the coal mines,
If I could breathe through hatred,
If I could, work through the summer,
then I wouldn’t feel so humble,

oh you, it's always you,
it's always you.

If red roses weren't so lovely,
Wine didn't taste so good,
Stars weren't so romantic,
Then I could do what I should

Oh you, it's always you
It's always you.
Oh you, it's always you
It's always you

If you love, I could command it,
Get your head, to understand it,
I'd go twice, around the world,
Even though, I may not find it.

Oh you, it's always you,
It's always you.
You, it's always you,
It's always you." ((Sophie Zelmani's song ))

" She hummed..."

* * *

"It had been two days since that phone call. Two whole days. Her every whisper was his name. Every plan she made in the month he would land here, involved him somehow. She imagined running into him on the street. She imagined him in her room. She imagined his kiss. It had been almost two years since she had kissed his lips. The memory was fresh, yet a little blurry. She couldn't remember the kiss, how it happened. But she remembered, clearly, how she felt. That moment was like a few minutes of heaven. His hands, his lips, his kiss made her feel like the only woman in the world. The feeling was something close to complete. But she ruined it, and left. Not with harsh feelings, she left only because she had a class to attend. And regretted the move till today. If only she had stayed, maybe he could've felt something for her. Maybe. It was a very small possibility. But it was worth the risk.

The friendship had began unusually. And it was the most sincere. She was sure it would last forever. The naivety.
She had never thought she could match up to the women in his life. She still thought so. The other woman's name was mentioned in that conversation. And that she would be here too. The same woman he spent everyday with, for almost a month. Mostly in each other's arms. The same woman he had been in love with. Sera. Sera, the woman she envied. The only woman he ever mentioned to her. And with so much emotion, that it broke her heart.

Life was taking new turns, without him, and she would've met Sera without the knowledge that, she was his Sera. Now that she had found out, she was reconsidering the new job. What if Sera is still the queen of his heart? What if she doesn't match Sera, in his eyes? It was a new battle she had to fight now. A new battle with herself. "

* * *

“So. It had finally been almost a month since that fateful conversation. She had almost forgotten him. But, the mind plays tricks sometimes. Suddenly her thoughts were consumed by him. Another reason was, of course, the dreaded meeting with Sera.

Sera, was perfect. perfect in all ways for him. She was attractive, intelligent, humourous. Not that she wasn't. but after all Sera was the one he was in love with, not her. So it made things harder for her. She made sure both of them didn't know she attended that interview. The job she didn't get, but the job's interview had let her meet this girl. Things got worse for her, because she actually liked this girl. The girl she had envied, had somehow captured her senses. She couldn't help liking her. And finally understood why he did ((and still does)) light up every time anyone mentioned Sera.

Now, as the days close in, months end, she is nervous. What if he doesn't call her, like the last time?? If he does, will he meet her?? And if he does meet her, will he like her??? For what she has become. Life has left a few scars on her. Will he like what he sees?? Will he ever be able to love her like she does??

Yes. She had lost the intensity of the feelings for him. But feelings did exist. Yes. She had decided to take things as they come. But nervousness had taken over. She wants him to want her. She wants to be his and him to be hers.

But the wait isn't over yet. May is almost here, but the wait isn't over yet. She spends her days in his thoughts and dreaming of being in his arms, safe and sound. She tries losing herself in the million day to day routines, but it seems impossible to stop thinking of him. Of being his.

The wait will be over in a few more days. But at the end of that journey lies another longer one. The wait for him to be hers. For she is already his. He just doesn't know it yet. And she sits, by herself and prepares for the journey of a lifetime. And I watch her, hoping she'll change her mind when she meets him and refuse to put herself through that painful journey. Hoping he'll love her back and spare her the misery of the journey she has prepared herself for. Hope is all I can do. And so does she.”

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

Poetry for Thought


Rain Mania

It rains, sweet drops of smiles,
Musical notes of dreams,
Its heart comes alive,
Beating rapidly, like inside a child.
The radio blares in the background,
A child playing, screaming fake screams of fear,
The lyrics sink through my body,
And my body heaves a sigh of relief.
Dreams come alive, I can still hear the heart beat,
Rythmic, continuous, loud,
The music of the rain gets louder,
Louder still, thunder, lightening.
The tempest of the summer is here,
Summer chills down my spin,
Every inch of my body seems to feel her,
Her tears, her pain, her everything.
It is like I am her,
Now in this moment,
My soul has slipped out and let hers in,
The sounds are clearer, the heart beat's louder.
I can feel her, her breath, heavy,
Fast, I know she's crying,
Though distance separates us,
I can feel her every emotion.
The sounds fade away,
The heart beat remains, louder than before,
The drops mourn with us,
They scream and dream with us.
Time slows down and stops,
Images are lost, thoughts remain,
Tears remain, drops remain,
It rains, drops of emptyness.
The sky mourns, tearing us apart, gently,
The earth mourns, comforting our hearts, gently,
Everything mourns, slowly draining the energy in it all,
We mourn, tears, fears and the agony of it all.
We mourn, together,
The drops comfort, the sounds absorb the pain,
The heart beat feels real, and it continues to rain,
Drops of joy and drops of pain, and I'm wishing for more.

-21st May 2007 ((5:15pm))
Kris

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Pass The Ban Bill!!

Its been a while since I had food for thought.
I actually went straight home yesterday, and slept. Almost 12 hours of sleep.

I'm still quiet, like yesterday. I can only think, all my conversations are thought of and not spoken.
If the person with me could network to my head, then we would be having an interesting conversation. I just don't feel like talking. Only necessary sentences come out of my mouth.

I want to do so much, and need to do so much. Time is choking me.

And all I'm thinking of constantly is who are my real friends, rather who are the real people. I'm thinking past the relationships, past the memories, past the routines, past it all.

I really think I should be banned from thinking.

And he just doesn't want me. I know it. He hasn't bothered to call, or e-mail.
Why do I long for his touch, his voice, him?! There was nothing between us, and I feel there will never be. But I still think of him.

I really think I should be banned from thinking.

I need to stop this havoc.

I really think I should be banned from thinking!

Monday, 21 May 2007

Sleeping Beast!

My inner creative side has fallen asleep.
Its irritating.
I need to trottle Her by the neck and wake Her up!

One week has passed by already.
So quick, everything is moving so quick.
Boredom creaps in.
And trust issues too.
Words have become harsh.

I've been thinking too much. I should be banned from doing that!

And then there are those moments which just make you smile, and give you a hope of a happier future.

Like, now I'm listening to the radio, and this song ((don't kno the name! Sorry)) plays everyday, but I still smile, for the lyrics, for the sound, for the whole song!
Its simple...I like simple!

And then those weird moments just become the cherry topping of my life!

"How is it to be you?", someone asked. I guess its alright up here, not all that bad. Though I wish it would be better. Life is going on. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and abusing life for what it is! And the other times, I could be so happy, that if life was a person I'd kill him/her by squeezing all the air out of their lungs due to my BearHug! Sometimes, I cry with hatred and vengence in my eyes, or cry with a smile and a thought "Life can't get better than this!"

Birthday celebrations are around the corner. So something to look forward to, life's not that bad!
I need to get clothes soon! So shopping is also on my things-to-do list, which by the way I dont like. I cant spend hours shopping! Yes, there is that side to me, where I wont buy it unless I like it, what can I say, I like somethings in a certain way! So until I like something the shopping spree continues, then stops at a cafe for sure!

Anyway, its time to go now! Back to the shelf life I've been leading!
"Chaaaaaaarrrrgeeeeee"
((Loud Trumpet Sounds!))

Monday, 14 May 2007

Lets Go Red!!


Anamika seems to have been tired, of late. Tired of what, is something I'm trying to figure out. Maybe its in the water! Or the air!!? You never know!

The common thing to do when someone is irritable is to leave them alone. Yes, that is the common thing to do. But this Princess can't. I can't leave people I care for alone. Even though it is sometimes necessary!
Yes, I am irritating by nature! Family trait, I think!

Saturday evening was spent in vain, trying to make her laugh with the worse kind of jokes in the world! How I made a fool of myself. I think everyone at my table thought I needed to get myself into a mental correctional jail! Including Anamika!
Its not a new experience for me or my friends. I get high on air sometimes!! :D Its just how I am.

The evening ended with my failed attempts of making her remotely close to smiling! Which she did, at some point of my not-funny-jokes!
All my failed efforts were worth it, as it was for someone I care for! I'm just a softie at heart! I just love everybody a little too much!! Hope you feel elated soon, my Anamika!! I'm always here to irritate you, until you reach the highest level of patience with me!! MUAH!! "I'll be two steps behind...."

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

champagne supernova - oasis


How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
Why-why-why-why-i-i
(guitar solo)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
Why-why-why-why-i-i
(a really long guitar solo)
(background - sounds like a bunch of "No"'s)
(birds chirping)
(more guitar)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
We were getting high

Why can't I end it now??

We are born. We learn to talk, walk, eat, drink, run, dance sing. Then we grow up, learn some more things. And at a supple age we are taught to dream of that Prince Charming, who we WILL, most definitely, marry. Yes, we are taught to think that!

Then when we are old enough to understand marriage is really hard, we end up dreaming of everlasting love. It exists, no doubt about that!

Then the lucky ones, among us, end up finding it. Feeling complete. Marring. Living happy lives. With children, who makes them feel equally complete. Who they bring up with utmost care and love. And who have strong moral grounds. They are a family.

The others, think they have found love. Marry. Then find out they don't come close to completing their sentences. But they already have children. Who they love, and don't want to abandon. So, they try, harder and harder, to stay together for those little ones. Being in an Indian society forces them to rethink divorce a million times. And the development in the field of child psychology, helps them rethink divorce for their children's sake. Among these, there are those who don't think, just abandon those who he/she loved just a few years back. And walk away from everything that was perfect, and isn't any more.

So finally life comes down to- being born, growing up, fornicating, reproducing, helping the reproduced grow up and reproduce on their own and then end the long journey of life.

Why can't I end it now???

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Pain

Things have taken such drastic turns. She pushes me out. Why does she have to be so stubborn??

The morning keeps playing back in my head and I'm crying. Over and over. I can't concentrate. It breaks my heart. What has happened??? It can't happen. But the fact remains, it has.

I want her to know I'm here. Yet she crushes me and throws me away.

This is hard. I can't face her or her family. I'm afraid. I didn't even stay long enough. If not for her, for them. I didn't even stay.

The agony is consuming me. How must she feel?? I want her to talk to me. Or anybody.

Friday, 27 April 2007

Wait! Bring me a trumpet!!!

Why is it that I'm waiting for all the wrong people to fall for me? I mean they are not stupid or something like that. Its just they don't fall for me. People with great personalities and people who do, in some remote way, care for me, don't want to take the relationship one step higher.
I know I'm a great friend. I take pride in it. But why do all these people want to leave it at that?

I'm waiting for men who don't want me. And soon I'll be waiting for every one who doesn't want me. Men, women, children, birds, animals. Ok. Maybe not!! :)

But I can't stop thinking of these men that I, so religiously wait for. Especially one. One man. I am waiting for him to be mine, forever. Though I know that the chance of that happening is very low!
Yet I wait for him. Wishing, hoping, dreaming that he'll want me back.

So for now, I'm waiting for men who don't want me. And I'm still a nomad. And I'm still single. I'm proud and single and waiting for men who don't want me!!!
So------ Chaaaaaaaaaaarge!!! ((Loud trumpet sounds))

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Missing the Music

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them.
I miss some more people. And the list has become never ending.
New friends. New conversations. New dreams.
Yet I feel alone and I miss them all.
I think of them and kiss the wind good night.
I dream of them and their warmth.
Why does this bother me so much? Loneliness is not a new friend.
I miss them, I love them, but I still hate them. For leaving me alone. Especially when I need them the most.
Old friends come back. Weird. I don't know if secrets are meant to be shared. Some don't want anything to do with me.
It has all taken an unusual turn. I'm dealing with it. But, I miss them, I miss those tender words and those secret kisses. Those proud smiles and those hurt tears.
I miss it all.
The tights hugs of joy and the tight squeeze of the hand in pain. The coffees that we shared the empty cups we ordered.
The music of our chatter. The music of our fears. The music of our dreams.
I miss the music. I miss it all.

SONNET 18


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Experience The Rain

Ok. Its been so long since I blogged. ((Considering my posts were very regular, with day to day updates)). I actually miss this, typing the most random words, knowing I'm not going to win the "award for the Best Blog" and words which only a hand full care enough to read. Yet, its still something I enjoy to an extent. Its nice to be lost in cyber space! Rather than in real life!

So, how has everyone been? Good? Health's good? Did you guys enjoy the rain?? I did!
I stood under the mad shower on Friday, for an hour. An hour of perfection! This fever I have come down with is the most pleasurable sickness!! This nose block, the throat which has gone from worse to WORST, is actually delightful! OK the throat problem has been lingering around for months now, so that is the only real pain I feel!

Anyway, yes I am OBSESSED with rain!

That Friday was the most emotional I have got with Mother Rain. I cried, tears of joy! Then tears of pain, for the comfort She gave me. Like a mother holding her baby in her arms, Mother Rain held me. In all the times that I have stood under the protection of the dark skies, this was the most over whelming. Life has become so hard now. No, no, nothing to worry. Just emotionally. And yes some parts of life are upside down. But nothing like being in the protective arms of Mother Rain to make you feel better.

It is the best form of therapy, I believe. Try it my darlings, for it will be the most blissful experience. Yes, Shar-Bear, She is an experience!!!!