Saturday, 31 March 2007

Thoughts during single life!

"Don't you have a boyfriend?" is an usual question I hear from people I just met or people who I've not seen for years. My answer is usually "No, i don't" followed by a very long session of mumbles!
And the people who asked the question, rush into the next one--"Why don't you?". Again the answer "I've had enough!", is followed by mumbles, curses and some facial expressions and hand gestures. OK. Now why is it that these people end up with a surprised look or a grin which says-- I know u are lying?? Is it a big mistake to be single ((and happy))???

Yes, I've had enough of men, for now. For now. I'm enjoying this life. Men sometimes are just the answer, and I have many in my life to answer my unlimited questions. So I don't see requirement of an official man. I don't need him now. I don't think i will for a while. Being tossed around, lied to, cheated on, betrayal- these have, somehow been the constant happenings of my love life. Sometimes I feel like I must turn into a homosexual and forget about all the mess! A woman somehow might complete me. Be my better half. It is possible. Women are easier to handle. We, women share a bond that is very, very, very strong-regardless of being homosexual or not.
So why can't I accept the choice? I don't know!
I guess its not easy for a straight woman to just turn around one day and say "hey man, you just lost a woman to another one!!" ((wow! i figured out the secret!! duh!!))

No matter what men have done to me, I still like them! Maybe even, love a few of them! So I don't want to ignore them completely! So the new choice is on the table. Bisexuality. Women and men. What a fantastic combination! But the theory of why I must, absolutely, confidently, consider it is still, in the process of being realised.

While I try to theorize my views on homosexuality, bisexuality and the like, let me tell you one thing- I am single. I am proud of it. I'm waiting for it all to fall into place. Until then, I'm a nomad! So, World here I come---"chaaaaaaarge!!" ((loud trumpet sounds!!!!))

Friday, 30 March 2007

Words. Its Magic.

Kiss. Its touch. The erotica. Its wetness. The craving. The breathlessness.

Lips. The beginning. The end. The desire.

Sex. The rush. The passion. The desire. The hunger. The movement. The pain. The pleasure. The heaven. The hell. The man. The woman. The instinct. The serenity.

Hell. Her wrath. Her love. Her hate.

Heaven. Her warmth. Her love. Her hate.

Dream. Its comfort. Its vividness. Its capture.

Friends. Their support. Their belief. Their love. Their hate. Their trust.

Family. Their support. Their hopes. Their fears.

Life. The possibilities. The probabilities. The hurt. The joy.

Death. The curiosity. The aftermath. The pain. The peace.

Simplicity. A need. An idea. A wish.

Words. The magic. The power. The emotions.

Shakespeare. His ability. His emotions. His advice. His love. His tragedy. His words.

School. The second home. The innocence.

College. The responsibilities. The mistakes. The life.

Work. The survival. The future.

Poetry for thought!

For my Anamika

In portals of technology i found you,
In times of unwanted boredom.
No. You are not just a pass time,
I'd never feel that way about you.
These conversations, words typed in
A time of a black haze, have meaning.
For me, in these confusing times,
You have secured a small place in my heart.
Yes, it is the brutal truth,
YOu have a role to play in this stranger's life.
A hope of friendship lingers through,
A hope of the future experiences.
Pains of friendships to be felt,
And joys of life......
Waiting to take this further my ANAMIKA,
My "old" friend..
Someday,when you decide to disappear,
Hope this stranger's memories will be etched in your book of memories.

--this i wrote in fifteen mins..

Thursday, 29 March 2007

Not-Joy Ride!!

2:20 PM
Work required me to be at ITPB again, today. The journey to the destination was one of the most difficult. A small two-wheeler, popularly known as the Luna, was our only means of transport.
The most primitive form of a two-wheeler! No shock absorbers. No basic comfort. Not easy. On other circumstances this could've POSSIBLY, I repeat possibly, been a joy ride. Unfortunately it wasn't. How I wish it was, but it wasn't!! How I wish it was a dream, but it wasn't!
I'm a young girl with a severe back problem. These journeys are not recomended by my trustworthy doctor. Half way through, I felt like a cave man had hit me hard, with his worthy club! It hurt too much. The sun gleamed and had burnt every inch. The pain on my spine increased the sensitivity of my skin. It felt like the sun was laughing and teasing me, increasing the temperature, slowly. After a point, on the road, I distracted myself with fantasies of the lake, which we passed by. The cool breeze soothed my inner tigeress. I felt calmer. One slope down and the pain returned, the irritation returned, the excruciating pain returned. Finally after 1 hour and 45 minutes of travel, we had reached. When i got off i couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't feel a thing. I set my mad hair straight, and walked into ITPB, ignoring the security incharge, letting my co-worker handle the man's questions.

As i got closer to our designated spot, I realised I had to climb down the flight of stairs. At every step, all I could feel was pain. The right side of my body hurt more than the rest. Finally the journey down the stairs ended. The relief i felt was only for a few seconds. Few heavenly seconds.

Now ((2:30 PM)), one hour after, I still feel the pain and I still can't feel my legs. Pen, paper and these words have distracted me for a while.
Numbness and Pain have rushed into a relationship under the roof of my body. I'm irritated. I'm in pain. I could have fever. My eyes are burning. My head is throbbing. And i just realised, the journey back to the confines of my office will be the SAME! The agony!

4:30 PM
Back at office now. My jeans wet with sweat(eww). My hair tangled. My eyes red and burning. I think my skin colour has changed to one shade darker! But the pain remains. The numbness continues.
This seems to be a painful day! The pain I have to live with for a few more days or weeks! And if I visit my doc in these days, I have to be prepared for a ten min long lecture on how I'm being careless! Now the decision to make is to either head home and crash or to go complain about my day to my friends!
Hmmmm...."to be or not to be; that is the question!"

((Stating time as the time on the blog is soooooo wrong!))

My beloved Red & Black!

Another day. Another sky. And i walk out of home with my dirty red bag and black shawl. I don't go to college or school, yet I carry that red bag. It is not winter, yet I have that black shawl around my neck.

The red bag doesn't contain anything important, all it has is a novel which I've been reading for almost 6 months and a long note book which I use to write down my thoughts. "Shantaram", is the book, which is as thick (or even thicker) as the "Bhagavath Geetha". I don't have the time to read it, expect when I'm waiting for someone at a cafe, yet I carry it with me! And I don't write while I'm at work. So, I really don't require the bag.

The black shawl ,hmmm, I'm still trying to figure out why i carry it around so much.Maybe because it has too many memories and smells attached to it!! I simply cannot leave home without it! I got it from a junior, in college. She was specifically told to get only a black one and nothing else. I carried it to Goa. A place where I do not need to wear anything that's black. It is a mystery why I took it there!

Two things you'll never find me without. Even if im dressed for a party the bag and shawl will find its way into the DJ console! There is always something that each person cannot let go. There are too many memories attached to these silly, materialistic things. Someday, we will rise to the occasion and "dispose" these items. Until that day, you will recognise me with a red bag on my shoulders and a black shawl around my neck...............!

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Poetry for thought

Under the black sky and blue moon,
The thundering sea crashes unto the shore.
Angry waves i see,
Lightening in the sky.
Lovers in a shack by the sea,
Trying to avoid the strong breeze.
I watch them, entwined together,
Caressing each other,under the dangerous sky.
Under a single blanket,
On a single chair.
The ambience thickens,feels like a storm is coming,
A strong wind blows the blanket away.
The shore has almost disappeared,
He pulls the blanket from the wind's grip.
He holds her tight,
They could be dragged into the sea.
Yet, they stay there,
In each other's arms.
The water's near them now,
I reach out, as if to pull them away.
I'm too far, too far,
Yet i do nothing, i stay and watch.
They smile and watch the havoc around,
Then into each others eyes, with that calm smile.
I wonder why, why are they risking their lives,
Why don't they walk away, when they can??
Suddenly, i feel a pull on my sleeve,
I turn around to find Her there.
I pull her close, and point at those brave lovers,
I could feel Her heart beat faster.
We stood there and watched,
Wondering about the fate of the lovers.
I look up at the sky and then at the sea,
Its calmer now,no anger in them.
The blue moon shone brighter,
And lit up the beach.
Normality took over, I smiled and
Kissed Her neck, She closed Her eyes.
We looked in their direction,
And they were gone.
Only the blanket remained,
Printed with the shapes of their bodies.
Their smell, their heartbeats,
I smiled again, and held Her close.
We watched the blue moon take over the sky,
And walked back to reality.

6 FEB 07

Bangalore Love!

Work took me far away from all the city noises, yesterday, to the Bangalore's IT centre (that's what i hear its called!). ITPB. Yes, the name has been changed from ITPL to ITPB. The word limited has been changed to Bangalore. Now that facts have been established, lets get down to the thoughts that surged through me in that place.

Sometimes i just like watching. Watching people function. I was in their territory. No ID card dangling down my neck, so THEY all knew that i was an outsider. I watched these 'techies', sipping on coffee, dragging hard on cigarettes, but mostly quiet.

They didn't try to make long conversations with the collegues around. The coffee and cigarettes mattered, i guess!
Then i heard, that this HUGE property(For people who have never seen the place, to give you an idea, the property can fit atleast five garuda malls, excluding the front "lawn area", which is barren by the way!), belongs to a person who has leased it out for 99 years. The place which hold 18,000 odd employees, doesn't even completely own its office space. Its amazing how the system works. Now, im curious, who the owner is! Maybe he has a son! Who's single and not gay!
As i walked out those gates, i stood for moment and looked at the place. Trying to form a small picture to save in my memories.
99 years is the assured period. What will happen after??

Out of city limits cost us a bit too much. So the ride back into familiarity was in a bus. Pushpak. Till MG road. The joy of travelling by a bus is inexplicable. I can't explain why i can smile watching a mother of three, convince the driver into letting the two elder children sit on the gear box. While she stands cradlling the younger one in her arms. Trying to get the child to look at all the "didis" and "aunties" in the bus, laughing with her child.

It is a sense of happiness that i feel in the confines of a BMTC bus.
Have you ever "foot boarded" a bus?? I have. Dangling outside, with 98% chances of falling off the moving bus and being seriously injured and with 95% of your body outside, and just your feet inside, crammed among many other feet! The feeling is simply amazing!
I like watching the driver shift gears. I just perfected my driving skills, so i take pride in being able to guess the gear the driver is on. And I'm right 9 out of 10 times! I like trying to form an explanation of why he didn't press down on the clutch while he changed the gear. Yes, the bus drivers sometimes don't use clutch. I'm still devising a theory about its reasons.
In a bus, i can see all the people trying their level best to squeeze between eachother, hold on to metal bars with one finger, sometimes, and yet smiling when you get off. These are the smiles that hold us all together. The smiles that are the soul of this city!

Im falling in love with Bangalore all over again!