Friday, 27 April 2007

Wait! Bring me a trumpet!!!

Why is it that I'm waiting for all the wrong people to fall for me? I mean they are not stupid or something like that. Its just they don't fall for me. People with great personalities and people who do, in some remote way, care for me, don't want to take the relationship one step higher.
I know I'm a great friend. I take pride in it. But why do all these people want to leave it at that?

I'm waiting for men who don't want me. And soon I'll be waiting for every one who doesn't want me. Men, women, children, birds, animals. Ok. Maybe not!! :)

But I can't stop thinking of these men that I, so religiously wait for. Especially one. One man. I am waiting for him to be mine, forever. Though I know that the chance of that happening is very low!
Yet I wait for him. Wishing, hoping, dreaming that he'll want me back.

So for now, I'm waiting for men who don't want me. And I'm still a nomad. And I'm still single. I'm proud and single and waiting for men who don't want me!!!
So------ Chaaaaaaaaaaarge!!! ((Loud trumpet sounds))

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Missing the Music

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them.
I miss some more people. And the list has become never ending.
New friends. New conversations. New dreams.
Yet I feel alone and I miss them all.
I think of them and kiss the wind good night.
I dream of them and their warmth.
Why does this bother me so much? Loneliness is not a new friend.
I miss them, I love them, but I still hate them. For leaving me alone. Especially when I need them the most.
Old friends come back. Weird. I don't know if secrets are meant to be shared. Some don't want anything to do with me.
It has all taken an unusual turn. I'm dealing with it. But, I miss them, I miss those tender words and those secret kisses. Those proud smiles and those hurt tears.
I miss it all.
The tights hugs of joy and the tight squeeze of the hand in pain. The coffees that we shared the empty cups we ordered.
The music of our chatter. The music of our fears. The music of our dreams.
I miss the music. I miss it all.

SONNET 18


Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Experience The Rain

Ok. Its been so long since I blogged. ((Considering my posts were very regular, with day to day updates)). I actually miss this, typing the most random words, knowing I'm not going to win the "award for the Best Blog" and words which only a hand full care enough to read. Yet, its still something I enjoy to an extent. Its nice to be lost in cyber space! Rather than in real life!

So, how has everyone been? Good? Health's good? Did you guys enjoy the rain?? I did!
I stood under the mad shower on Friday, for an hour. An hour of perfection! This fever I have come down with is the most pleasurable sickness!! This nose block, the throat which has gone from worse to WORST, is actually delightful! OK the throat problem has been lingering around for months now, so that is the only real pain I feel!

Anyway, yes I am OBSESSED with rain!

That Friday was the most emotional I have got with Mother Rain. I cried, tears of joy! Then tears of pain, for the comfort She gave me. Like a mother holding her baby in her arms, Mother Rain held me. In all the times that I have stood under the protection of the dark skies, this was the most over whelming. Life has become so hard now. No, no, nothing to worry. Just emotionally. And yes some parts of life are upside down. But nothing like being in the protective arms of Mother Rain to make you feel better.

It is the best form of therapy, I believe. Try it my darlings, for it will be the most blissful experience. Yes, Shar-Bear, She is an experience!!!!

Friday, 13 April 2007

Rain. Her music. Her love. Her pain. The life. The joy. The dreams. The Drops.


Rain. It finally rained. The moments were like heaven. The smell of the earth mixed with the smell of jasmine flowers.
I sat at home, by the open door, listening to thunder and blinded by lightening. April showers, that's what the newspaper calls this, had me in a trance. The rain stopped, but lightening and thunder became stronger.
I wondered why, why is it that majority of people associate rain with all things sad. How is it possible? Ok, now you might turn around and say it is a matter of choice, of how each one perceives things. But, I still ask the question, how can rain be depressing??

Rain, the drops, the sound, the mood, the colours in the sky, the life, the joy, the pain, the emotions, the darkness, MUSIC.......it is everything. But it is not sad.

Though the rain could be fearsome sometimes. She is still the Mother. Our Mother. Mothers have their moments of rage, we need to understand that. She too, gets frustrated with our never ending demands.

Anyway, yesterday She spoke to me. She told me stories about places far and wide. Of places I wanted to visit some day. She invoked my spirit and gave me comfort, made me smile.
I wish it would rain all the time. To keep me safe in her arms. To talk to me all night. To keep me company.
I love you Rain. Why doesn't it rain all the time???

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Justin & Blogs

Justin Timberlake. His songs on background. Its not easy to ignore the song. I'm trying, though. "Don't want to think about it.Don't want to talk about it.I'm just so sick about it.Can't believe it's ending this way.Just so confused about it.Feeling the blues about it.I just can't do without you.Can you tell me, is this fair?"((singing out loud)). So simple. So truthful. Aren't there moments when you don't want to think about it, talk about it?? Yes there are. I have them. You have them. We all do!

I haven't officially signed off today! Didn't expect to be this idle at my friend's place, that I'd end up updating my blog!

Anyway, moving on. I make sure I check all my friends' blog, as often as possible. For one they are good! For the other, it gives me a reason to force them to read mine! ((Evil laugh!! e-ha-ha-ha!!))
My Girl Genius has a habit, yes habit, of writing about me! Not bad! I love all of them, regardless, if it is for me or not! But now, her blogs fill up with words about me! ((tut tut))

On a calmer note, it feels good that someone thinks of me so much. Words I said have left an impact. Good. Finally. Anyway, I'm sure this one, this Girl, will make it big in the area of writing. Cheers to you my Girl Genius!

Cafes & Simple pleasures

It is that time of the day again, when work is done ((supposedly)), and I have to visit a cafe. There are no friends, already waiting. There are no such commitments. Yet I make sure I go and make people come there. If I have the time, that is. Sometimes work gets hectic, busy, those are the days I go home straight.

All the known waitresses have left. So only boys for small talk ((I say boys because they are)). All of them are timid in their own ways. But one always captures my attention, literally. He makes sure he waves and says "Hi!" when I enter. Today I paid more attention than normal, and noticed that he has the most mischievous smile I've ever seen. Not in a literal way, though. His whole face lights up when he smiles, always followed by a wince of his expressive eyes.

He waits for me to look at him and respond. It is amazing that he holds so much patience in him. The simple pleasures of life!

The other fellow, always trys to slip in a menu card, when he knows I don't need it. And today finally realized my regular order and brought it to me before I asked. A bottle of mineral water. Always, is my first request. Anywhere. Anytime.

After I struggle, trying to open the sealed bottle, I hand it over to him. He eventually carries it back inside to get his superior to open it. Finally after the journey into many hands, the bottle came back to me. The sheer joy of drinking water is inexplicable!! The simple pleasures of life!

And then I finally re-open the book that I have been reading for centuries. The story takes over. The vivid memories of imaginary streets and people fill my thoughts. The book captures, yet I'm distracted. Finally, friends arrive. And the trusty phone, with good music is in my hand. Music blares for a while, then I finally decide to head home. Surprising my friends, for it way too early for my curfew to have kicked in. Yet, I walk away, knowing I will enter a empty house.

So, I'm signing off today, with thoughts of an empty house. Ahh! The simple pleasures of life!!

Season

Its Tuesday. Again. Another week. Everything is moving so fast. It will be night soon. Then it will be Wednesday. Then we'll move into May. Then the monsoon. I can't wait for the monsoon. Let time stop there. The rain, the joy.

Every monsoon brings a new experience. And these are the experiences which are meant to be experienced in the rain and in no other season.

Bangaloreans are unique. The rain hassles them, no doubt, but no one dares to complain! It is just not acceptable. How can any one be hateful towards the rain? It is just not possible.

Rain. We wait for. Rain. To cleanse our body, mind and soul. Rain. To bring joy. To bring tears. To bring pain. Rain. Drops to adorn our bodies like pearls. Rain. The unlimited shower of kisses. Rain. Its all we need. Rain. Its all we need.

Monday, 9 April 2007

Monotony!

Days have gone by, and it is April already. Monotony surges through like a water fall. Too many things are being said which wound my confidence. Why don't people trust me anymore??

Seems like everything is going to disappear soon, leaving me to watch and scream in agony.
I feel like a spectator and not as the actor. I want to be the "doer". Not the "watcher".

New friends consume my thoughts. Yes. Life is better now, than before. Atleast parts of it. These new additions of life bring joy in truck loads. Makes me smile. Smile through all the monotony.

Spectator. Suddenly that's what I've become. Just a spectator. Though so much has changed, improved, brought joy. Yet I'm blamed, accused, underestimated!
Underestimation is something I despise. Everyone who truly knows me knows that I HATE being underestimated. I know what I'm capable of, and i make sure everyone does. I do not know how to boast!

I have become support systems for many. But who is mine?? They do exist. But do they really form my support system? Half the time I'm accused of MAKING myself miserable. OK, lets say I am. So what??? Can't I ask for a shoulder to lean on? Is that so wrong??????

Anyway back to calm thoughts of my monotonous life. Anger comes and goes like seasons nowadays. Its all because of them. Short temper has returned because of them. *sigh* I think its good. Nobody can take advantage of me now. *sigh* I am more stern and precise about my expectations from people. I have to be. Else I am treated like a child. A child whose chocolate they can steal. No! No one can steal anything from me now! No one!

Old flames return. Where did all these men disappear? Old friendships have taken new roles. Hmm, it seems to all make sense, yet make no sense!

"chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge"

Friday, 6 April 2007

Dreams and Thoughts

Dreams can the the most random and unusual type of expression for the sub conscious self.
It says a lot about what your inner thoughts are about the normal day to day routines. I love dreams. It gives a new perspective to life. I really do believe that. It can give you strength or break your spirit. Its all in the way you perceive it. After all the research, dreams are involuntary and have parts of the daily routines in them. And can be a prophet as well.

Keeping that in mind, I'm going to talk about a dream. ((Of course, I dreamt it!))

I've been around a four-year old girl and her mother for the past few days. And looking at them, I can't wait to be a mother. Motherhood is the most joyful role we play in this world.

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exists and entrances; And one man plays many parts" ((Shakespeare))

So here I am thinking of how long the wait is going to be, and I close my eyes, slowly slipping into Sandman's world. And I dream. Of all things possible. Ice cream, chocolates, school, college, work, home, birds, Shakespeare. And then the ultimate dream of all- Pregnancy. I was pregnant. Woke up stunned! For one it felt real, so my hand, involuntarily was on my not-pregnant-stomach! My eyes still tired from the impact of the dream, stayed close. I calmed down, realizing it was a dream. Only a dream. A surge of calm went through my body. My hand still resting on my stomach and my eyes closed, I drifted into thoughts of many questions- What if I was, in reality pregnant, at 18?????? What would I do????

Abortion? Yes. It is an option. It is my first baby, and the only thing to do would be abortion. The thought itself was painful. Tears streamed down. And I stayed in bed for longer than planned. Crying for a baby I'm not carrying. The thought of an unborn child taunted my every senses.

After the tears swept through my face, I got out of my bed and followed my daily routine.