Thursday, 24 May 2007

4 Long Years

The story that is....
The complete version. Still don't have an ending!

"She called him today. What a rush it was! No matter how angry she was, his voice just didn't let her express the animosity in her emotions. He was her man. The perfect man. Or so she convinced herself. For almost 4 years. That's how long she knew him. 4 long years. This phone call was not appreciated by her loving friends. So it was done in secrecy. But it didn't remain thus for long. Her lips swollen with smiles, were the first give away. Her cheeks extra pink, summer wasn't just the reason anymore. Friends weren't so angry anymore. Maybe they saw joy on her face after so long. Yes it had been long since she had smiled, smiled whole heartedly.

The call was made without a second thought in her head, but the reason still remained under cover. Why did she call him?? Why would she? Does she still feel for him like she used to? No. Those feelings had passed. Forcefully discarded. As he doesn't/didn't feel the same. After all the "walk-outs" she had gone through, his wouldn't make a difference. If he doesn't feel for her now, it wouldn't make any difference. Yes. She thought so. She blocked the truth-which is, she will break down if he walks away from her. Another man, who doesn't remotely feel anything for this girl, will walk out of her life. Big deal. It has happened before. But if it happens with him, with him, of all the men((and women)), with him, she will break down. Everyone knew it. And everyone tried to convince her to let him go. She had slowly began the process. But this call changed it all. But the emotions were weaker now, not as strong as before. She had seen life, to an extent, so she taught herself to be CAREFUL. Finally. She had to be careful, for her sake. His voice was still soothing. Still made her feel protected. His humour still made her laugh. Even though she was disappointed in him, angry, she was calm.

He was still the man of her dreams. But she decided to let him pursue her. This, time when he meets her, she decided to be a friend, and let him fall for her. It was a safe plan. Being selfish pays off sometimes. If he's not interested, she doesn't lose anything. She will walk away stronger. Less drained of efforts. And with sweet memories.

My oh my, how she lied to herself! The meeting is 2 months away. Her emotions are raging now.
She just wasted her time with these unnecessary plans. It was merely, a distraction. A distraction from the truth. Her days will be filled with his thoughts until she lays her eyes on him. Until then these fake plans will keep her company."

"If it wasn't the oceans,
wasn't the breezes,
wasn't the white sands,
I might not be needed,

If I could sleep through the coal mines,
If I could breathe through hatred,
If I could, work through the summer,
then I wouldn’t feel so humble,

oh you, it's always you,
it's always you.

If red roses weren't so lovely,
Wine didn't taste so good,
Stars weren't so romantic,
Then I could do what I should

Oh you, it's always you
It's always you.
Oh you, it's always you
It's always you

If you love, I could command it,
Get your head, to understand it,
I'd go twice, around the world,
Even though, I may not find it.

Oh you, it's always you,
It's always you.
You, it's always you,
It's always you." ((Sophie Zelmani's song ))

" She hummed..."

* * *

"It had been two days since that phone call. Two whole days. Her every whisper was his name. Every plan she made in the month he would land here, involved him somehow. She imagined running into him on the street. She imagined him in her room. She imagined his kiss. It had been almost two years since she had kissed his lips. The memory was fresh, yet a little blurry. She couldn't remember the kiss, how it happened. But she remembered, clearly, how she felt. That moment was like a few minutes of heaven. His hands, his lips, his kiss made her feel like the only woman in the world. The feeling was something close to complete. But she ruined it, and left. Not with harsh feelings, she left only because she had a class to attend. And regretted the move till today. If only she had stayed, maybe he could've felt something for her. Maybe. It was a very small possibility. But it was worth the risk.

The friendship had began unusually. And it was the most sincere. She was sure it would last forever. The naivety.
She had never thought she could match up to the women in his life. She still thought so. The other woman's name was mentioned in that conversation. And that she would be here too. The same woman he spent everyday with, for almost a month. Mostly in each other's arms. The same woman he had been in love with. Sera. Sera, the woman she envied. The only woman he ever mentioned to her. And with so much emotion, that it broke her heart.

Life was taking new turns, without him, and she would've met Sera without the knowledge that, she was his Sera. Now that she had found out, she was reconsidering the new job. What if Sera is still the queen of his heart? What if she doesn't match Sera, in his eyes? It was a new battle she had to fight now. A new battle with herself. "

* * *

“So. It had finally been almost a month since that fateful conversation. She had almost forgotten him. But, the mind plays tricks sometimes. Suddenly her thoughts were consumed by him. Another reason was, of course, the dreaded meeting with Sera.

Sera, was perfect. perfect in all ways for him. She was attractive, intelligent, humourous. Not that she wasn't. but after all Sera was the one he was in love with, not her. So it made things harder for her. She made sure both of them didn't know she attended that interview. The job she didn't get, but the job's interview had let her meet this girl. Things got worse for her, because she actually liked this girl. The girl she had envied, had somehow captured her senses. She couldn't help liking her. And finally understood why he did ((and still does)) light up every time anyone mentioned Sera.

Now, as the days close in, months end, she is nervous. What if he doesn't call her, like the last time?? If he does, will he meet her?? And if he does meet her, will he like her??? For what she has become. Life has left a few scars on her. Will he like what he sees?? Will he ever be able to love her like she does??

Yes. She had lost the intensity of the feelings for him. But feelings did exist. Yes. She had decided to take things as they come. But nervousness had taken over. She wants him to want her. She wants to be his and him to be hers.

But the wait isn't over yet. May is almost here, but the wait isn't over yet. She spends her days in his thoughts and dreaming of being in his arms, safe and sound. She tries losing herself in the million day to day routines, but it seems impossible to stop thinking of him. Of being his.

The wait will be over in a few more days. But at the end of that journey lies another longer one. The wait for him to be hers. For she is already his. He just doesn't know it yet. And she sits, by herself and prepares for the journey of a lifetime. And I watch her, hoping she'll change her mind when she meets him and refuse to put herself through that painful journey. Hoping he'll love her back and spare her the misery of the journey she has prepared herself for. Hope is all I can do. And so does she.”

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

Poetry for Thought

Rain Mania

It rains, sweet drops of smiles,
Musical notes of dreams,
Its heart comes alive,
Beating rapidly, like inside a child.
The radio blares in the background,
A child playing, screaming fake screams of fear,
The lyrics sink through my body,
And my body heaves a sigh of relief.
Dreams come alive, I can still hear the heart beat,
Rythmic, continuous, loud,
The music of the rain gets louder,
Louder still, thunder, lightening.
The tempest of the summer is here,
Summer chills down my spin,
Every inch of my body seems to feel her,
Her tears, her pain, her everything.
It is like I am her,
Now in this moment,
My soul has slipped out and let hers in,
The sounds are clearer, the heart beat's louder.
I can feel her, her breath, heavy,
Fast, I know she's crying,
Though distance separates us,
I can feel her every emotion.
The sounds fade away,
The heart beat remains, louder than before,
The drops mourn with us,
They scream and dream with us.
Time slows down and stops,
Images are lost, thoughts remain,
Tears remain, drops remain,
It rains, drops of emptyness.
The sky mourns, tearing us apart, gently,
The earth mourns, comforting our hearts, gently,
Everything mourns, slowly draining the energy in it all,
We mourn, tears, fears and the agony of it all.
We mourn, together,
The drops comfort, the sounds absorb the pain,
The heart beat feels real, and it continues to rain,
Drops of joy and drops of pain, and I'm wishing for more.

-21st May 2007 ((5:15pm))

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

Pass The Ban Bill!!

Its been a while since I had food for thought.
I actually went straight home yesterday, and slept. Almost 12 hours of sleep.

I'm still quiet, like yesterday. I can only think, all my conversations are thought of and not spoken.
If the person with me could network to my head, then we would be having an interesting conversation. I just don't feel like talking. Only necessary sentences come out of my mouth.

I want to do so much, and need to do so much. Time is choking me.

And all I'm thinking of constantly is who are my real friends, rather who are the real people. I'm thinking past the relationships, past the memories, past the routines, past it all.

I really think I should be banned from thinking.

And he just doesn't want me. I know it. He hasn't bothered to call, or e-mail.
Why do I long for his touch, his voice, him?! There was nothing between us, and I feel there will never be. But I still think of him.

I really think I should be banned from thinking.

I need to stop this havoc.

I really think I should be banned from thinking!

Monday, 21 May 2007

Sleeping Beast!

My inner creative side has fallen asleep.
Its irritating.
I need to trottle Her by the neck and wake Her up!

One week has passed by already.
So quick, everything is moving so quick.
Boredom creaps in.
And trust issues too.
Words have become harsh.

I've been thinking too much. I should be banned from doing that!

And then there are those moments which just make you smile, and give you a hope of a happier future.

Like, now I'm listening to the radio, and this song ((don't kno the name! Sorry)) plays everyday, but I still smile, for the lyrics, for the sound, for the whole song!
Its simple...I like simple!

And then those weird moments just become the cherry topping of my life!

"How is it to be you?", someone asked. I guess its alright up here, not all that bad. Though I wish it would be better. Life is going on. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and abusing life for what it is! And the other times, I could be so happy, that if life was a person I'd kill him/her by squeezing all the air out of their lungs due to my BearHug! Sometimes, I cry with hatred and vengence in my eyes, or cry with a smile and a thought "Life can't get better than this!"

Birthday celebrations are around the corner. So something to look forward to, life's not that bad!
I need to get clothes soon! So shopping is also on my things-to-do list, which by the way I dont like. I cant spend hours shopping! Yes, there is that side to me, where I wont buy it unless I like it, what can I say, I like somethings in a certain way! So until I like something the shopping spree continues, then stops at a cafe for sure!

Anyway, its time to go now! Back to the shelf life I've been leading!
((Loud Trumpet Sounds!))

Monday, 14 May 2007

Lets Go Red!!

Anamika seems to have been tired, of late. Tired of what, is something I'm trying to figure out. Maybe its in the water! Or the air!!? You never know!

The common thing to do when someone is irritable is to leave them alone. Yes, that is the common thing to do. But this Princess can't. I can't leave people I care for alone. Even though it is sometimes necessary!
Yes, I am irritating by nature! Family trait, I think!

Saturday evening was spent in vain, trying to make her laugh with the worse kind of jokes in the world! How I made a fool of myself. I think everyone at my table thought I needed to get myself into a mental correctional jail! Including Anamika!
Its not a new experience for me or my friends. I get high on air sometimes!! :D Its just how I am.

The evening ended with my failed attempts of making her remotely close to smiling! Which she did, at some point of my not-funny-jokes!
All my failed efforts were worth it, as it was for someone I care for! I'm just a softie at heart! I just love everybody a little too much!! Hope you feel elated soon, my Anamika!! I'm always here to irritate you, until you reach the highest level of patience with me!! MUAH!! "I'll be two steps behind...."

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

champagne supernova - oasis

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
(guitar solo)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why
(a really long guitar solo)
(background - sounds like a bunch of "No"'s)
(birds chirping)
(more guitar)
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
We were getting high

Why can't I end it now??

We are born. We learn to talk, walk, eat, drink, run, dance sing. Then we grow up, learn some more things. And at a supple age we are taught to dream of that Prince Charming, who we WILL, most definitely, marry. Yes, we are taught to think that!

Then when we are old enough to understand marriage is really hard, we end up dreaming of everlasting love. It exists, no doubt about that!

Then the lucky ones, among us, end up finding it. Feeling complete. Marring. Living happy lives. With children, who makes them feel equally complete. Who they bring up with utmost care and love. And who have strong moral grounds. They are a family.

The others, think they have found love. Marry. Then find out they don't come close to completing their sentences. But they already have children. Who they love, and don't want to abandon. So, they try, harder and harder, to stay together for those little ones. Being in an Indian society forces them to rethink divorce a million times. And the development in the field of child psychology, helps them rethink divorce for their children's sake. Among these, there are those who don't think, just abandon those who he/she loved just a few years back. And walk away from everything that was perfect, and isn't any more.

So finally life comes down to- being born, growing up, fornicating, reproducing, helping the reproduced grow up and reproduce on their own and then end the long journey of life.

Why can't I end it now???

Tuesday, 1 May 2007


Things have taken such drastic turns. She pushes me out. Why does she have to be so stubborn??

The morning keeps playing back in my head and I'm crying. Over and over. I can't concentrate. It breaks my heart. What has happened??? It can't happen. But the fact remains, it has.

I want her to know I'm here. Yet she crushes me and throws me away.

This is hard. I can't face her or her family. I'm afraid. I didn't even stay long enough. If not for her, for them. I didn't even stay.

The agony is consuming me. How must she feel?? I want her to talk to me. Or anybody.