Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Moving on

Tip of the day: You should not allow your girl / boyfriend to take you for granted.

So, yesterday, the much anticipated 'date' was cancelled.
The friendly cyber 'astro speak' says something I needed a year back. Tip is made note of, for present and future reference.

Anyway, life goes on. People move on. Dreams build and fall.
*sigh* Work life is getting to me. I have begun disliking the search engine. I've been on that site for a long time now. Though I'm sick of it, that's the only online search engine I trust, like many.

I need to start getting things together.
Plan. Execute. Dream. Live.

Friends seem so distant suddenly. Routines are broken. Like I said people move on.
I have no complaints. But, I don't want to wake up in a hospital all alone...

Loneliness is a good friend. It is always there, even when on most days I don't need it.

Its hard. Life.
Look at me, a child, saying such big words! But, I am stating the fact. Even for a child it is hard, so imagine 10 yrs from now. *sigh*

I have lost weight. Too much.
Walked into the college I studied in, and that was one of the comment I heard from every teacher I met. "You were already on the slimmer side, why have you gone down so much?"

One of my friends used to (always) tell me that, in my case, my body reacted to the state of my mind. I don't know if that true or not, but it did happen. Every time I was on an emotional roller coaster, my body would get sick. Every time. It surprised me sometimes. But the depression somehow forced my body to be weak and tired.

Anyway, life is hard. Decision making is hard, and life has too many intances when the choices we make shape the people we become. And when the one person who you trusted leaves and then decides to come back, apologise, say all the right things, it gets harder.

Moving on. The search engine has begun to miss me. I'll leave you with this question: What would you have done, if in my place, in my life?!

Monday, 18 June 2007

Under The Blanket Of Haze

Its that time of the year again, when dreams remain and future seems blurry.
Why can't there be answers to these unwanted questions?!

I've run out of reasons to be content, happy. Practicality sinks in. Philosophy surges through.

Is it just me or is it the haze I'm under, forcing me to see bitterness in the world?!


Past relationships are here, to stay or leave, I know not!
A cyberspace astro speak:
"Tip of the day: Enjoy the evening in a candlelight dinner with your beloved to make a soothing beginning."
Coincidence?! I am meeting the ghost from the past, today.
I will take the tip, of enjoying it.
But, the matters of decision making will be on hold, for a long time.

Trust, faith, love, lust and everything else has to be carefully planned.
It is hard and confusing. Lets put aside how the decision will affect me for a moment, but I know how it will affect the ONLY people who stood by me, cradled me. And considering that, it makes it even harder.

*sigh* The jouney, life takes us on........

I am stronger now, and the famous saying slips into my head:
"You fooled me once, shame on you. You fooled me twice, shame on me."

Being fooled once was hard enough......

Thursday, 14 June 2007


"How sad it is! I shall grow old, and horrid, and dreadful. But this picture will remain always young. It will never be older than this particular day of June. . . . If it was only the other way! If it was I who were to be always young, and the picture that were to grow old! For this--for this--I would give everything! Yes, there is nothing in the whole world I would not give! I would give my soul for that!"
--Oscar Wilde

"They do not love that do not show their love.The course of true love never did run smooth.Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love."
-- William Shakespeare

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-St. Augustine

"One half of me is yours, the other half yours-Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,And so all yours!"
-- William Shakespeare

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman

"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love."
-Henry Ward Beecher

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Crowley

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
"You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."
"Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life."
-Joseph Conrad
"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochefoucauld

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
-Alexander Smith
"When we are in love we often doubt that which we most believe."
-La Rochefoucauld
"Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton
"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not."
-La Rochefoucauld
"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia
"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
-Dr. Karl Menninger

"Blushing is the color of virtue."

Saturday, 9 June 2007

More is Never Enough

We are always hurt by the things unsaid & undone...and when we do say it, it makes us happier and free....

All those emotions are back.
An endless love story is consuming my thoughts.
Is it real or a mirage in the desert?
I died, and woke up again, stronger, and now, the cause of death is here again!
And I always said that, the love between us was something out of the great epics, a love from Shakespeare's words.
"Its like a cup filled with liquid, and that liquid being love, which I kept pouring, and the cup overflowed and I still didn't stop. A love that was of the painful kind, more is never enough!"

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Is it real?!

The birthday ended with a good+bad+surprising+unusual phone call.
Forcefully, intentionally hidden memories are back. Feelings are back. The words "i love you" are here. Remorse and joy are here now.

The time has come, the time has come to make the choice of a lifetime. To relive moments of bliss. The thought seems beautiful, but do I want it?!

I do. I've missed it. Craved for it. WANTED it.
I don't. The pain is too much to ignore and move on. Second chances are over. Too many have been issued. They aren't tickets to cheap plays anymore. I have goals set, dreams to chase, learnt to live without these emotions.

I've changed too much. Changing, as we speak. Altering perceptions, altering dreams.
I cant let it come back. I've worked too hard to get to where I am.
Too many nights of tears, too many drunken escapades into memory lane.
It has taken me so long to get here, this state of confidence and poise and stability.

Too many thoughts have found their way back.
I refuse to be hurt again and again and again.
Too many people have trampled all over me. I can't let it happen again!
I am assured it won't, but memories return.

Yet, I want it, I've always wanted it!
Its still hard to believe this, this situation.
Is it real?
Did I talk to the person I've been trying to forget?!
It is a pleasant surprise though.
I'm glad that we are talking now.

Every memory, every word seems fresh and new!

All I can hope for is a happy ending, unlike the last time.

Monday, 4 June 2007

Birthday, WHAT?!

Birthday jitters are not here!

I really miss it.
I've come to a point when I actually want to fast forward to the days after my birthday.

F#$% !! I hate everything at the moment.

I want to leave Bangalore for this birthday.
Not the city, but the things in the city.
Not the dreams here, but the reality.
Not the memories, but the pain.
Not the kisses, but the wounds.
Not the whispers, but the screams.

I want to fall asleep and never wake again.
Cassius, is who I'd like to be on this birthday!

Tears in Heaven

Its June already.
Time goes by........will it ever stop?! Obviously not!

She's gone. I can't believe it. The cheap thrills of being a young adult, leads to death sometimes.
Everything seems unfair, not just to me, to everyone. I'm being unfair too, I guess this is a sign that I'm letting go.

Her face doesn't seem to fade. I can also picture her walking in to the place where I am, and stopping to talk to me even if she's busy. She always had a way of finding me! I always wondered how she spotted me among so many bodies.....but she did, always did.

I haven't cried yet, mourned yet. Work's kept me busy. Distracted.

26th May. 5:00 am. On the road. She's gone, every memory, ever smell, every touch, all gone, in a second, all gone......

I miss you, even though we weren't best of friends, I will miss you.
Take care my friend, I will see you on the other side.

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven " Eric Clapton