No Answers

That phone call, one phone call, makes me rethink it all.

What I planned to do in a few days, has already been done, by someone I care about.

Do I still want to do it?! I don't see what has been done to be a mistake. Though I must hate him for it....maybe its because I see and feel what he went through, going through.

The question remains, will I go through with it???

Maybe not, for I don't want to. Yet, the urge is unbearable.

Everything has crumbled down...but I feel at peace, hurt, but at peace.

"Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace"-Sail Away, David Gray

You can't make this easier on me.
Maybe its "software overload"...
Maybe its the lies...the betrayal...and the end..
Maybe its nothing, and I'm just "making myself miserable"...
Or maybe...maybe.....its the pain I going through for the life I tried giving, more than living...
Or maybe I'm just dazed, and these words are part of a dream........

Silence.....

"Peace is found within one's silence, whereby all has existence. All fear, regret, pain and grief disappears. All is perfect and complete....."

Its awfully quiet today. The only thing that made me smile is a phone call.
I'm not upset, or am I just saying that to myself... So many different shades of life I see. So many dreams, so many people. Lies. The truth. Betrayal. Arguments. Bitter. Sweet. So many words to say, yet words fail me.

I miss writing, creatively. I can feel so useless among writers. The empathy in my words have vanished. Old friends break my heart. New ones are so far away.

I might travel soon. Something I hope happens. I hope it does. It will be a much needed break and fun!

It is awfully quiet today.
This silence will never end, will it?!

"Who have you been talking to, about your life?", she asked.
No one, the wind maybe...

Tears don't seem to want to leave the protection of these tired eyes.
Ah, what the hell, c'est la vie...

It is awfully quiet today.
Tomorrow is another day, another query, another doubt, another dream.
I guess that's the reason why I wake up everyday, for the mystery of it all...the spontaneity of it all, that's what gets me out of bed everyday...the mystery of it all..
It is awfully quiet today....maybe tomorrow's mystery will be something better...

Thoughts

Lets hold hands tonight,
And share the dreams.
Lets smile and laugh,
And keep the dreams alive.
The darkness unfolds into inspiration,
And daylight into reality.
What we are not,
Is what we are.

Lisa Love

She lay there, cold, pale and dead. My hand in hers, and tears stream down. The room seems more colourful, and dream like. No one there, no friends, no family. The phone is close by, I must call someone. I can't move, can't breathe, can't stop the tears. Tears. Lisa, is dead. Tears. Lisa, is gone. I must call someone. Anyone. I couldn't move. She looked more beautiful than ever, pale, but beautiful. Content. Maybe even smiling. I lay beside her, still hand in hand. Breathing on her face, tears remain. Lisa. My love, is gone. Never to wake from this sleep.

James walked in, stood at the door, and fell to his knees. I watch him fall, so helpless, so painful. Tears. They didn't stop. I closed my eyes, tears filled, and I breathe her scent. She smelt like lavender. Tears. I held her hand tighter. And hoped it hurt her enough to wake her, gasping for air. She didn't. Tears. All over. Like a bleeding wound. Tears.

Suddenly, there were people. More tears. I opened my eyes, all our friends, family were watching. I stayed there, more tears now. He touched my face, and wiped them away.
"James...", I fumbled, never could complete that sentence. Tears. Tears. Tears. I slipped into a trance, her scent, her voice, her skin, her. Eyes closed, hand in hers.

Helpless, weak and tears are all that remain...

Loud Saturday!

Saturday was a fun and eventful day!
The auto ride was exceptionally the best thing that ever happened to the driver, for us it was normal.

He made the slight mistake of switching on the radio. I convinced him to switch to the best on radio, 91.9 FM, only English, all the time. Though, the song then was not our favourite, it was easy to sing, and loudly!

Music shifted to Hindi! Old is gold, "Mehaboobha, mehaboobha, ooooooooooo"!
The fact that the song was older than us didn't stop us from singing it as loud as possible! Yes, there were people staring at us, and trying to figure out if the auto had began this journey from Nimhans!

After we got off at our favourite destination, Java City, I thanked the driver, who grinned and said "Nahi madam, thank you!"

We walked into JC, dancing, with Vi wondering what did we smoke!
Music, coffee and Potter mayhem, ended the Saturday!
:) Music is gooooood!

HiNt

Let me give you a hint of what happened yesterday.
Three people, one bike, one place-Hint.
The most unusual point here is---three people. Not more. Hitting a club.
We planned it, and never really decided upon more people. Strange.

So we entered the place, being on the guest list, a tiny smile clearly establishing that!!
So RU-by and D walked in, and I was busy making conversation with the staff at the door.
Cool, people from my tribe!

The bar stool is my favorite place to be at any bar or club or anything. Easier to get the drinks, easier to pay for them and easier to watch dressed people walk by!! And so we ended up there! With our drinks, and our smiles.

Party. Party people. Someone's birthday. Someone drunk. Someone fighting. Someone with a bad hair cut. Someone who seemed to be smiling all the time and someone who was shit bored!!!

A fun time! And I even fell twice!! I mean literally, my ass on the floor type of a fall!!!! TWICE!
To top it all off, I ran up the five floors and ran down as well, as I left my very dirty Red Bag!

Stayed back at RU-by's new, uncleaned and wonderful house! He had to drop D back, after which, we drank, finished the stock we had.......
There...the night was done. The room mate who doesn't drink or smoke sat with us, and I think I freaked him out!!!

There was a massage or two and a small session of meditation as well! to top it all off, vomit!
Both of us did! Slept, woke up with no clear memory, and raced home!

A night to remember! LOL! :)
Thanks RU-by!!! MUAH!

UpDaTe

On Sunday, Poppy and me were the only ones at Shar Bear's sister's wedding. My Girl Genius couldn't make it. Anyway, I have no idea how the time went by, for first time I wasn't bored at a wedding. It was fun!
My my how much we ate! Even after we left the wedding and ended up at my Girl Genius' house, we just attacked the food there and then attacked the all famous Pizza at JC! It was the attack of the hungry girls! Fun day! Maybe it was the weather! One never knows!

Its been four days since Baby Blue left. And I seem to be missing her, and thinking of her.

I met Lu ((I need to come up with a nick name for her!)) after a really long time! Great conversation! Knowing her strength, I know she'll get through this!


Yes! I know what you are thinking. I have too many female friends! But the boys exist too! ((Grinning!))

RU-by is sick. He has fever. And finally found the perfect house! So he's busy moving in!

Ok. I don't have any other boys to talk about now, but I do have male friends! ((humph! hands folded!))

Yesterday was the day my Girl Genius was born 17 years ago! happy birthday again darlin'!
I was invited for their family dinner, and it was fun!
The best part was she never got to drink, when I was sitting right there with MY glass of chilled beer! ((smilie with its tongue out!))
It felt nice to be sitting there, listening to every sound of a family dinner!
Oh! How I miss it!

Oh well, today is a new day. And I feel sick, yet have some energy left from yesterday!

Radio is blaring with calming songs, and I got a whole bunch of mails to send out, so I'm off...........!!! ((Chaaaaaarrrrrggggeeeeee!!!!!))